Apache Helicopter Firing Rockets at real helicopter parents.
Apache Helicopter Firing Rockets at real helicopter parents.

Beale Air Force Base — Helicopter gunships from Beale Air Base were dispatched this morning to streets just outside the city limits of Nevada City to quell an insurgent uprising of helicopter parents who just can’t seem to leave well enough alone. Hordes of helicopter parents were observed moving inward to consolidate their positions, forming a strong defensive line against the Beale Air Force air guard contingent.

Armed with SPF 60 sun screen, super-thick warm socks, Amber Alert GPS devices, sex-offender apps, a phalanx of armor-clad godparents, crates of organic Lunchables, family scheduling software for both the Android and iPhone platforms, college pre-qualification counselors for Kindergartners , and mobile tablets so they could blog about their problems in real time, the helicopter parents seemed to be invincible.

But soon thereafter, they were violently mowed down with an unrelenting barrage of  M230 30 mm cannon fire, via a turret assembly capable of 100 degrees of motion in azimuth left or right, 11 degrees of elevation and 60 degrees of depression, and feeds from an ammunition magazine containing 1,200 rounds with each drop.

It really was no contest. The helicopters from Beale returned to base, unmolested.

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