London, England — In what some call an oddly appropriate announcement, American actress and alternative health entrepreneur Gwyneth Paltrow informed her 3 million Twitter followers that she recommends shoving Bono daily into their vaginas. The announcement, which followed up with a long article published on her “lifestyle” website Goop.com, details the processes of luring the frontman of the rock band U2 to your home, enticing him in, and then inserting him into your vagina.
The 2400 word article, authored by Dr. Laura Finger, MD, was the culmination of a 2-year personal study by Dr. Finger, Ms. Paltrow, and occasionally Bono, although sources close to the iconic Irish rocker claim he had no idea what the study was about.
“You know what would improve your day? Having piping hot Bono shoved up your food,” said Dr. Finger about halfway through her article in defiance of doctors’ advice that millions of years of evolution have permitted the vagina to clean itself without having the Irish rocker up in there. “It is an energetic release once you get him to cooperate, which might take some time. And not just any rocker will do. You need the real Bono who will balance your female hormone levels.”
One of the more apparent issues is how to get the famous rocker even to consider using himself as a female hygiene implement.
“You just have to do it,” Ms. Paltrow exhorted her readers, “and you can with the right guidance from Goop.com.”
Under its “ridiculous but awesome gift guide section,” Goop.com features the $655 Bono Lure and Instruction Set, which promises customers “an easy 10 step guide to getting Bono into your hoo-hoo.” “How better to enjoy those long late summer evenings than with the soothing sounds of Bono rummaging around in your lady parts? When he emerges, you will feel fresh, clean, and hungry for even more of that Joshua-Tree-man-goodness,” claims the instruction set.
And despite criticism from both mainstream medicine and the entertainment industry, alternative health industry analysts say that this is the perfect marriage between ‘derp’ and pretentious rock. This formula should bring great success. Unfortunately, previous attempts at merging these highly lucrative practices have had mixed results. The most recent is the 2006 partnership between rock band Green Day and American television personality Dr. Oz and their moderately successful organic anal flushes and toothpaste line.