Dallas, TX — God, the creator of everything, including Arkansas, announced yesterday that the historic cold snap which paralyzed the Lone Star State came about due to his frustration with its numerous toll highways. Late Friday night, the Almighty took to Twitter to vent his frustrations over Texas’s decision over the years to replace a reasonable taxation structure with a fee-based economy.
Winter weather pummelled Texas this week, leaving millions of people in the second-most-populous U.S. state coping with lingering power outages and a dangerous cold snap. By Monday, several million Texans dealt with rolling blackouts as the state’s electric grid operator struggled to deal with increased demand for power amid plunging temperatures reaching into sub-zero, double digits in some cases.
Finger-pointing started almost immediately, with Democrats blaming Texas Republicans for their libertarian and “let-the-market” run everything mentality and with the state GOP officials blaming windmill cancer and the fact that water freezes at 32F. For his part, God didn’t mince his words.“Maybe Texas will reconsider its toll roads after I sent my Winter wrath,” said Dog in his early morning Tweet referring to both the destructive and unprecedented winter storm and Texas’s insane obsession with not taxing its citizens, but regressively charging fees for services traditionally provided by the state.
Conservative pundits immediately took to the airwaves to parse the Almighty’s tweet, with several offering bizarre, reality-detached interpretations.
“Clearly God loves Texas, ” said Sean Hannity during an interview with Senator Ted Cruz, who was defending his recent vacation to Mexico at the height of the power crisis. “It seems to me, He’s talking about socialist California and not a God-fearing place like Texas. God would want people to pay based on their privilege. Why else would he make both rich and poor people?”
Texas Governor Greg Abbott, who initially ignored God’s Tweet, held a press conference to discuss his response to the catastrophe, which has already taken dozens of lives, and to calm conservative Texans that their toll roads will be going away. He also seemed to place the blame for the Winter storms at God’s feet.
“Certainly God is entitled to his point of view. Personally, I think something got lost in translation. I think he was praising Texas’s self-reliance. And look, we all have expiration dates, and only God knows that. He controls all these things like frozen windmills and natural gas lines. However, we control our low tax base and toll roads. None of that is going to change.”
It’s unclear whether God’s Tweet will have any impact on Texas’s energy policy.