Mayfield Village, OH — The Progressive Corporation, the parent company of Progressive Insurance, abruptly replaced its popular longtime spokesperson Flo with liberal billionaire investor and philanthropist George Soros. The announcement, which happened over the weekend, comes on the heels of a rather significant “investment” by the controversial Hungarian-born progressive activist.
Several right-wing groups, including the simpleton-named Tulsa, Oklahoma-based “America,” immediately announced a boycott of Progressive Insurance and immediately started destroying their Keurig coffee machines for unrelated anger management issues.
“We can’t stand by and let out precious bodily fluids be perverted by something as fundamental as car insurance,” said White America spokesperson Caden White speaking in front of a Tulsa used car dealer. “Everyone knows that George Soros is responsible for all that is evil in the world. He’s an American-hating, baby-killing communist-nazi who just wants to destroy this great country. and he’s doing a pretty good job if you ask me.”
When asked to name at least one American institution or enterprise that Mr. Soros has destroyed, White became visibly agitated.
“Look, I don’t have time to give to a list of everything,” continued Mr. White, whose face had grown red. “You can do some research about his banking connections and how he’s funding all these false flag operations to take our guns. It’s as obvious as the nose on his face, if you know what I mean.”
As for their part, Progressive Insurance issued a press release after receiving complaints from the Flo Nation fan club, who also accused the insurance giant of bowing to political pressure. Thousands of people from the 120,000-member Flo Nation Facebook group send angry emails to Progressive, demanding that Flo be immediately re-instated. And in a diplomatic move, the company said it was considering it.
“We have heard the outcry from the Flo fan base,” Progressive Corporation’s Director of Communications Bethany Millbright said in an email to the press. “And we are considering a joint appearance with Flo and Mr. Soros. It would revive the great comedy teams from the past like Eddie Murphy and Nick Nolte and Thelma and Louise.”