Washington, D.C. — Donald Trump Secretary of Defense nominee James “Mad Dog” Mattis said today that he doesn’t want to be referred to as a Secretary, believing that the title is not a proper fit for his role. Although the esteemed general didn’t offer any substitutes, officials close to the highly regarded leader have suggested “Defense Commander,” “Chief Ass Kicker,” and probably the most controversial and somewhat nonsensical one, “I’m Just Going to Kill You.”
Before President Obama appointed Mattis to replace General Petraeus on August 11, 2010, he previously commanded the United States Joint Forces Command from November 9, 2007, to August 2010 and served concurrently as NATO’s Supreme Allied Commander Transformation from November 9, 2007, to September 8, 2009. Prior to that he just scared the living crap out of anyone who was not American. In December 2016, President-elect Trump nominated General Mattis to be Secretary of Defense. “Mad Dog” accepted under the terms that the word “Secretary” be dropped from his title.
When asked to elaborate on why the General didn’t want to use the Secretary title, his spokeswoman Bethany Millbright had this to say.
“General Mattis is an American hero; the very essence of what tough is,” said Ms. Millbright reading from a prepared statement. “The word ‘secretary’ is a loaded term that has a very specific meaning in the United States. The General briefly considered the title Minister of Defense but said he found it ‘too European’ for his tastes. He hasn’t settled on a new title yet.”
According to a White House spokesperson, this kind of bucking the trends attitude is exactly what America needs.
“This is another example of how President Trump is making America great again,” said spokeswoman Kellyanne Conway. “This is a new approach for America; getting rid of the things that don’t work and replacing them with fresh ideas.”
General Mattis is the Secretary of Defense despite the fact that he doesn’t pass the “7-year test” where a Defense Secretary must be out of military service for 7 years (previously 10 years) before serving in a President’s cabinet. And, he hates the title of Secretary.