Burbank, CA – Mounting anticipation for the premier of HBO’s “Game of Thrones” Season 8 has reached a fever pitch. As millions the world over await the continuation of the story of a man who unknowingly shags his aunt and a queen who knowingly shags her brother, the editorial desk at this quality news site has received a script smuggled from the set by an anonymous source. Totes legit.
The script reveals an episode that will be entirely set to music in a dream sequence with the various characters in featured singing and dancing numbers. It is not known at this time in which order the episode will appear.
“Oh my god, noooooooo!,” said Blayne of Storm’s End, webmaster of the fan site, All Things Throne, when told what was in the smuggled script. “This is awful. It’s such a trope, such a gimmick now to have a musical episode! I’m disappointed, for sure, but I’ll totally stream it on Spotify as soon as it’s out.”
The plot revolves around the characters, both living and dead, who provide a lighthearted look back on the horrific and blood-soaked events from this long-running series. With lyrics by George R. R. Martin and music by Kendrick Lamar, the show is set to please long-time fans as well as provide an introduction to a whole new audience perhaps more used to watching live broadcasts of “Sound of Music” and “Grease” on the NBC and Fox networks.
The dream sequence begins with Bran Stark dropping into a Three-Eyed Raven trance where the visions are dark and strange. Soon the music dials up and the scenes come into focus.
The Musical Numbers
What we know from a careful reading of the script and lyrics:
- “Song of Ice and Fire” – an 18-hour-long dirge with solos and chorus that recaps Seasons 1 – 7
- “That’s Not How It Happens in the Books!” – the official opening number by the surviving minor characters of the cast
- “Never Fuck Your Sister” – Jamie Lannister sings this cautionary tale in a music hall style
- “I’m a Venti and You’re a Tall” – a clever duet by and Brienne of Tarth and Tyrion Lannister
- “What an Interesting Way to Die” – an ensemble number which looks back on the various ways the Game of Thrones characters died, with an ominous Greek chorus of dead character ghosts intoning, “Who’s Next?”
- “Spooky Mormont Hell Dream” – a chilling number featuring Jorah
- “Grey Worm, You’re My Ear Worm” – a lyrical love song by Missandei
- “Don’t Turn Around, Ah-Oh, the Khalasar’s in Town, Ah-Oh” – a standard book number featuring the entire troupe of Dothraki dancers and men’s chorus. With horses.
- “Watch Me Whip/Frey Frey” – Walder Frey’s breakout breakdance hit
- “When All Else Fails, Blow It Up Hard” – Cersei Lannister gives her succinct solution through song
- “Tomorrow is a Splatter Day” – Arya Stark demonstrates her various assassination techniques as well as her coloratura vocal range
- “Dickless in Dorne” – A humorous three-way by Lord Varys, Theon Greyjoy, and the entire Unsullied army
- “The Night King Cometh” – Featuring a catchy show-stopping tune and a dance-off finale between the massed forces of Westeros and the White Walkers
The Dreamer Awakes
At the fade-out of the last musical number, Bran Stark awakens from his trance in the middle of a corpse-strewn battlefield. Since this is written by George R. R. Martin, we expect that every character with whom you have an emotional investment will die.
Local Reactions Are ‘Meh’
To get a reading on how the “Game of Thrones” fanbase would greet this news, we wandered over to a fast food restaurant where a local Dungeons & Dragons club meets. While Lord Reyny Sparbarrow tossed his D&D die in the hopes of circumventing a magic spell cast by the elf princess, Serode of Tharlonde, he responded, “Well, that blows…” when told about the musical episode.
“I don’t know,” interjected Serode of Tharlonde as she neutralized Lord Reyny’s maneuver, “I kind of like those shows when everyone starts singing. It’s like, so rando…” Another player, Phaszme of the River, told us, “I don’t know… I like “Game of Thrones” but I’m not that much into musicals. I guess my nana would watch it though…”
No Comment from HBO
When contacted, HBO executives completely ignored us and would not comment on this big musical reveal or the leaked script. In fact, the admin who answered the phone hung up on us when we called to inquire.