San Diego, CA — Hot new video game Fortnite has slowly been sweeping the nation. An “Arena Battle” Game designed for players to not only shoot each other with a ridiculous array of weapons, but allows for other types of play that fans have referred to as, “kind of like Minecraft but not stupid.”
Its fame is a testament to its success.
Critics of the game claim it’s become so popular in such a short period that the game is nothing but a fad and will all be over soon. We reached out to a verbal critic of Fortnite over Facebook. He wished to stay anonymous but let us interview him for a minute, and this is what he had to say about Fortnite’s fad status.
“Dude that game sucks, you just run around and build walls.” Facebook User then inserted a vomiting face emoji before commenting again. “It’s probably Trump’s like, favorite game lol.”
But why is it so popular? All you have to do is jump to Google.com and search for “Fortnite Conspiracy Theories.”
After many unsuccessful searches and failed Reddit rabbit holes we ended up on 4chan.org. After making a few posts asking regarding Fortnite, an anonymous user contacted us. His name was “Ninja’s Number One Boi” and he claimed to be a former Navy Seal. Ninja’s Numer One Boi had a wild story to tell, that could clear up this Fortnite mystery. In keeping with Gish Gallop’s high journalistic standards, we’re publishing his unaltered rant.
“> kk well first of all? Im US navy seal. Well I was. But I had to go into hiding after trupm took selfies of us. Anyway im also like top two player on Fortnite too. Ninja is number one. He wi ll always be number one ok? So yeah. Fortnite is a big deal. Like really big deal dude. Why? Well let me tell you. This is coming from the top too, ok? So keep[ it a secret.
> Fortnite was made as a training program to get kids interested in war. But not like real war. People dont wanna fight real wars anymore dude. Like fuck dying and shit.
> I dont mind dying like dont get me wrong, Imma navy seal remember? But for my own cause. Not like some rich guys that I dont give a fuck about, taxation is theft dude. So yeah this is like super deep state shit man. Wars will be fought in VR only from now on, but we need to perfect the tech and its almost time so boom ramp up the Fortnite and make it really “popular”.
> Then when THEY make the announcement, you know who THEY is…
>…THEY are going to go on the news and say that war will become non-violent by using a giant worldwide video game tournament instead of a real flesh and blood battle. People got families yo, no one wants to die. Let me drop another truth bomb on you. In like, Litsuvania, or whatever that country is over in Eastern Europe that’s like super small, they did a draft. But literally no one showed up and when the police went to homes to check for dodgers they just found everyone playing Fortnite instead. This is when I think the govts started seeing its potential.”
Quite telling, indeed. Only time will tell if “Ninja’s Number One Boi” is telling the truth.