Newcastle, England — Looking around in a panic as he realized he had been left unable to get an erection, now Men’s Rights Activist (MRA) agent Chris Retch, 27, was reportedly terrified a month last Tuesday after being given the red pill by a friend.
“Where did my Tassel go? Guys, I’m really scared right now. Anyone? Boaby? Boaby, where are you?” Questioned the frightened Mr. Retch,
According to police reports, in a frantic effort to get an erection, Mr. Retch reportedly dashed through a Newcastle hotel complex demanding women sexually arouse him and in return “he’d be nice to them.” He later broke down in tears when he was unable to locate any sensation what so ever in his downstairs region.
Previously Mr. Retch had thought the like-minded “conspiracists” he associated with were “edgy but harmless,” until that fateful evening when one of his MRA mates offered him the red pill. In a statement to the Gallop, Newcastle chief constable Edwin Reams said he believed that Mr. Retch and his friends had been hanging around in a fake nightclub which was really a basement crawl space at a friends’ mother’s flat where they had been working up the courage to go talk to women.
“I thought it was a joke at first when Geoff told us we’d know the truth about why nice, desirable alpha males like ourselves can no longer get laid, if we just swallowed one of his pills,” said Gavin Tully, 26, who’s bedroom the incident occurred in. “But now our eyes have been opened.”
According to various locals who wish to remain anonymous, the three of them have hassled women for sexual favours and getting angry when rejected or when they couldn’t perform.
“I heard that on the rare occasion somebody does feel sorry enough to give them a sympathy shag they can’t even get it up,” said one anonymous woman living on the same street as Retch. “Which just makes them even more angry at Women and Gays.”
When asked if he had learned anything from his experience with drugs and being woke Retch said, “I’d always found it a little unsettling the way Geoff would blame everything on a secret conspiracy of Women and Queers, but now I understand his frustration.”