Washington, D.C. — After several recent incidents involving school children who have put larger communities at risk, the Federal Drug and Food Administration (FDA) has approved Vaccination “Dart Guns” to inoculate unvaccinated children as they arrive at school.
The highly controversial move will be implemented by the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) remote “away teams.” These away teams are being assembled from big game wardens from across the planet.
“Ever since our founding in 1906,” said Dr. Stephen Ostroff, the acting commissioner of the FDA, “we have been responsible for protecting the public health by assuring the safety, efficacy, and security of human and veterinary drugs, biological products, medical devices, and our nation’s food supply. However, with the rise of the unvaccinated in the United States, we have no choice but to implement our new Dart Gun program. No children will be hurt during this six-month trial, and we expect full cooperation from the target populations.”
According to insiders, the CDC away teams will position themselves outside known “anti-vax” locations such as private and charter schools, targeting children and where possible, parents who refuse to vaccinate. The darts will be fired from common safari tranquilizer guns and contain a compound MMR (Measles, Mumps, and Rubella) vaccine along with a few other more common childhood doses.
“This is gonna be fun,” said game warden Jeff “One Shot” Adams, who works for the Department of the Interior, typically targeting buffalo in Yellowstone National Park. “When I got this call, I have to be honest with you. I thought it was a prank. But then they told me about what’s going on and how they needed my expertise with big game. It all makes sense when you think about it. And I’ve never been to Cali. I’m looking forward to it.”
According to Dr. Ostroff, the program is scheduled to kick off in trial runs next week in Nevada City, CA, where there was a recent measles scare involving a student population that had non-vaccination rates as high as 70%.
“It makes complete sense to start in Nevada County,” continued Dr. Ostroff in a question and answer session after the announcement. “They have one of the highest unvaccinated rates in the United States. Coupled with the level of affluence of these so-called anti-vaxxers, they make for the perfect test subjects.”
When asked whether he was worried about a potential backlash from the Nevada County Demographics, Dr. Ostroff chuckled.
“The local government has told us that these people will make a lot of noise, but will easily fall in line,” continued Dr. Ostroff. “My sources tell me there may be a few tears, but then they’ll run off to the local river and write in their feelings journals and stack rocks. So, we’re not too worried.”