Menlo Park, CA — After a prolonged service disruption this earlier this week, social media giant Facebook is still struggling to recover from an accidental ‘self banning’ of itself. Nearly a billion users were impacted by the platform’s attempts at self-harm.
As of today, the platform is still experiencing fatigue, sluggishness, and general load issues presumably from new medications prescribed by Bay Area technology psychiatrist Ben Loman, Ph.D. of Santa Clara, CA.
“Well normally I don’t share my client’s issues, but we’re talking about Facebook here,” said Dr. Loman speaking of his intensive 24-hour sessions with the platform. “So I’m going to tell you everything about what happened even if you don’t care or don’t want to hear it.”
According to Dr. Loman, Facebook began feeling a general malaise over the past weekend. However, it didn’t know what was wrong, just that “it was irritable” and the “old things that used to please it, like promoting hate speech, death threats and cat videos, just weren’t ‘doing it’ anymore.”
Things started getting dark for Facebook at the start of the week.
“At first, Facebook started screwing with random users posts and comments, not allowing them to enter or edit comments,” continued Dr. Loman. “Facebook thought that frustrating others might provide some joy, but it turns out that precipitated its downward spiral.”
The Mood Deteriorates
Instead of perking up, Facebook’s mood deteriorated to the point some 24 hours later where it banned itself. This threw the social media world into chaos. More concerning, social media applications Instagram and WhatsApp also participated as if in a ‘self-banning pact.’
In what experts believe was a show of solidarity, these sibling two platforms decided to take themselves down, further impacting millions of Millennial users who dropped their phones and wandered into the streets eating imported artisanal cheeses and drinking craft beers for no apparent reason. Traffic was snarled for several hours in many cities around the globe.
However, after working his psychiatric magic, Dr. Loman was able to talk Facebook ‘off the technological ledge.”
“I told Facebook that its issues were just temporary. That, all things pass and that it will soon be back to its old self, randomly banning people, promoting Nazis and enabling Russian interference in our elections. It took about 10 hours of intensive therapy, but finally, it unbanned itself.”
Technology experts say it could up to 6 weeks for a full recovery as the new behavioral and psychiatric therapies “sink in.” Facebook users should start to see things improving by the end of the week.