Executive Order to Abolish Religious Names in Government
Executive Order to Abolish Religious Names in Government

Washington, D.C. — White House press secretary Josh Earnest revealed at a recent press conference that President Obama [D-Kenya] is planning on issuing an executive order which will ban religious names from all federal, state and local entities.

In the president’s own words, “[e]veryone knows that the Constitution explicitly forbids the state from endorsing any religion, and the courts have upheld this to include the prohibition of such things as Christmas decorations and displaying the Ten Commandments. Thus it is only logical that religious names should also be included in this ban.”

According to Secretary Earnest, there are many cities and counties in the U.S. named after Christian saints that will have to be changed. St. Louis, St. Paul and St. Charles are obvious offenders. California is especially egregious with its many Hispanic saint names: San Francisco, San Diego, San Jose, Santa Clara, and Santa Barbara, to name just a few.

Camptonville farmer Walter Truman
Camptonville farmer Walter Truman

Locally, in Nevada County, North San Juan is an offender.

“Well, that’s just plain stupid,” expressed Camptonville farmer Walter Truman. “What are they going to change it to? North Juan?”  Local medical marijuana grower Kevin Thomas had a different take. “I think we should call it North Mari Juan. Get it?” he giggled.

Mr. Truman continued, “Who is it hurting? These names are traditional. They date back hundreds of years, some of them.”

His wife Margaret, a devout Catholic, offered her support by asking, “what about Los Angeles? It’s named after angels. And what about our capital city, Sacramento?” she pressed on. “Did you know that the “sacrament” it is named after is the Eucharist? Are they going to make us change that too?” she queried.

She then went on to point out that under a broad interpretation of President Obama’s executive order other forbidden names would include Corpus Christi, TX, Bethlehem, PA, Concord, MA, Providence, RI, and Newark, NJ.

“We need a Republican in the White House!” Mr. Truman called out as he stormed off.

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