Washington D.C. — The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) announced today during a weekly press conference that it will suspend all activity around geoengineering investigations and related clean-up programs. After a proposed 31% cut to the agency, EPA officials said they had no choice but to cut off all programs related to “chemtrails” and “chemtrail clean-up.”

“Well, it’s pretty obvious what needs to be done,” said EPA Chief and former energy sector friend Scott Pruitt. “The American people want us to focus on things that matter and stop wasting money on frivolous wild goose chases. We’re going to let the free market take care of geoengineering operations, which, as everyone knows, they do a better job than any government agency.”

Under the new guidelines, the EPA will close its 14 Superfund-like chemtrail centers around the country and cease operations that aid other countries around the world with their clean-up programs. In California, the two centers at Beale Air Force Base and Redding, CA, will be shut down with an estimated loss of over 600 jobs.

Anti-geoengineering activists have long-held that overhead chemtrail operations or “spraying” have deposited dangerous amounts of aluminum, barium, and coal ash into the soil. And that such deposits are of grave danger to humans, animals, and plant life.

“Just look what has happened in Northern California over the past four years,” said Redding resident and anti-chemtrail activists Darby Adams. “when the EPA opened these ‘exploratory centers,’ we were hopeful. But now that Trump has cut the program, we’re probably going to die soon along with the planet. It’s horrible.”

According to Mr. Pruitt, there will be approximately 6,700 layoffs due to site closures, but the President has promised to retrain laid-off employees to work in the coal industry.

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