New York, NY — In a last-ditch effort to stay in office, Donald Trump has announced plans to jump across a 400-gallon tank containing an adult great white shark.
“I am going to jump a shark,” said Donald Trump during an impromptu press conference as he made his way to his helicopter. “It will be dangerous. This is a great white shark, one of the most deadly man-eating predators in the world. I could die doing this. But what the hell. How many of our Presidents got shot and killed? Two? Four? Six? Doesn’t matter. Guys got killed on the job. And to make America great again, I gotta show the voters that I am not afraid to die.”
Trump added, “I don’t see Sleepy Joe trying anything like this.” He scoffed. “Maybe he’s scared. Oh, I’m sorry. Maybe it’s because he’s hiding in his basement. Maybe he’s busy hiding Hillary’s emails in the Ukraine. And do you think Sleepy Joe could pull this off?”
Though no official venue has been announced, a bidding war has started among event promoters in Utah, Texas, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, Florida and North, and South Carolina.
“Having Donald Trump jump a big ol’ great white shark on a motorcycle could be the biggest dang thing to hit the South since Lynyrd Skynyrd, and Gone With The Wind put together. Mm-hm,” remarked Lonnie Taggert, a promoter with Dixie Showcase a promotions company based in Mobile, Alabama.
However, though no date has been set for the event, animal rights activists have already taken umbrage at the news.
“If he falls into the tank with the motorcycle, that’s a lot of motor oil and gasoline,” said Claire Argus of the Athens chapter of the Georgia Animal Rights Coalition. “That’s toxic stuff.”
She added with a chuckle, “Also, I have to say that Donald Trump probably would not be good for a shark to eat. He’s pretty toxic, too.”