Washington, D.C. — In a novel twist on the glut of presidential candidate/authors, President Donald Trump has announced the release of a children’s book titled Good Night, Moron that will challenge the nation’s children to not be morons and losers.
Candidates’ books have become standard fare on the path to the presidency. Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, Rand Paul, Ben Carson, Ted Cruz, Carly Fiorina, Scott Walker and Trump himself, among others, have all released books promoting their White House bids. Almost all of them are losers. This is the first time a sitting President has authored a book.
But, like his candidacy, Trump’s tome departs from the standard blend of hagiography, policy and poll-tested sound-bites.
“Good night, moron” follows protagonists Jack and Jill through various challenges familiar to elementary school-age children, such as making friends at a new school, completing homework, excelling at playground games and negotiating a complicated series of asset-backed credit default swaps utilizing Cayman Islands bank accounts and strategic bankruptcies. At the end of each day, Jack and Jill are tucked into bed by a Trump-like figure coiffed with a distinctive cloud of blond hair who cajoles them with the refrain “if you’re not making money, you must be a dummy!” The book follows the plot of Mark Z Danielewski’s latest novel.
“Listen, shut up, moron! I want America’s kids to be great, awesome, like me! Awesome and rich, not losers and morons,” Trump explained. “I could have written any book in the world I am already a best-selling author of several incredible books that I highly recommend to anyone who wants to not be a loser. So it makes perfect sense for me, as a billionaire and candidate for president and a great example to kids, to write a book telling kids what they need to do to take our country back, not be morons, and be great like me!”
Political commentators and book publishers alike praised Trump’s move into children’s literature as politically savvy and smart business.
“Donald Trump is not a typical President, so why would he write a typical President’s book?” Explained pundit and “Political Junkie” Ken Rudin. “The tone and language might offend some people, but I think this book is very likely to boost him with typical GOP voters and their children. I mean, let’s face it – they’re pretty much at the same level of reading comprehension.”
Rudin noted that when running through the Flesch-Kincaid grade-level test, Trump’s performance in the first GOP debate scored at the 4th-grade reading level. “Trump may be the GOP’s next Great Communicator he’s already speaking to Republicans at their level, and it’s obviously working.”
Zoey Farb, an expert on the publishing industry, said Trump’s decision was a sound business strategy, considering the boom in young adult literature. “Look, if he can get these kids young, he’ll have his hooks in them for life. He’ll be like Dr. Seuss mixed with Warren Buffett. As they age he can produce volumes that appeal to them as they enter each segment of the market. I can see a Trump twist on Twilight, Harry Potter or Hunger Games,” she added.
While Good Night, Moron does not contain an explicitly political message, it does include a pullout guide to help children identify, fill out, and mail their parents’ absentee ballots. “Look, I want kids to help their parents not be morons by voting for some loser,” explained Trump.
“It’s freaking genius,” admitted fellow Republican Senator Ted Cruz. “I wish I had thought of writing a kid’s book rather than just reading one of the damned things,” he said, referring to his reading of Green Eggs and Ham during a 2013 filibuster over Obamacare.
“Yeah, he didn’t think of it because he’s a loser,” Trump responded via Twitter. “I bet he’s got blood coming out of his eyes, and his whatever.”