Washington, D.C. — President Donald Trump sent the chairman of the Republican National Committee an email late last night, after a serious of angry tweets in which Mr. Trump claimed that the Democrats are the only ones who colluded with Russia. RNC Chair Ronna Romney McDaniel told reporters about the email this morning, and she said that the email has left her “in quite a bind.”
“Donald emailed me last night,” Romney-McDaniel told reporters “and asked if there was any way he could call in Vladimir Putin to be what he called a ‘pinch president’ for him.”
Throughout the campaign Trump demonstrated warmth toward the Russian president, despite Putin’s leadership being questionable and aggressive. At a time when many in the world fear that Putin is too much a throwback to 19th and 20th century militaristic leaders, Trump has shown a fondness for Putin, and overnight, he ‘rage tweeted’ that Russian leader’s approval ratings were important because they were very high.
Romney-McDaniel told the press she wasn’t too sure what Trump meant by “pinch president,” and so she asked him to clarify his request.
“You know, like, can Vlad just come in and finish it out for me,” Romney-McDaniel told the media Trump asked him, “I had no clue this election was so friggin’ long. I came down that escalator last year, and I thought it would be like, I go down the escalator, I say some things about America being great again, I say some more stuff about Mexicans being rapists and murderers and drug dealers, and then bing-bang-boom, I pardon myself. And this president gig is somewhere where I’m going to be asked to put in, what, five, six solid hours of work? Yeesh.”
Chairman Romney-McDaniel reported that she told Trump that wasn’t possible. She said that Trump then went quiet for a full three minutes, which Romney-McDaniel said would alarm anyone who knows Donald Trump.
“That man never shuts up,” Romney-McDaniel said, “and I think at his funeral we’ll still hear him yammering away in his coffin. So I asked him why he got so quiet, and he said he was thinking. Which is also a scary thing for anyone who knows Donald. When he thinks, weird words come out of his mouth.”
Mr. Romney-McDaniel said after another couple minutes of mostly silence and mild flatulence on the other end of the phone, Trump suddenly spoke up with another question.
“Okay, so I’m the President, right,” Trump began, “what if I get bored? Can Vladimir take over then?”
Romney-McDaniel told Trump that also would violate the Constitution.
“The cunt-sty-who-now,” Trump asked, genuinely perplexed by the multi-syllabic word.
“The Constitution, Mr. President, it’s the document our country’s government is founded on,” Romney-McDaniel reminded him, “remember those flash cards I sent you? Anyway, it says you’d have to hand control of the Executive branch over to Mike Pence if you quit, you can’t give it to Putin.”
Trump asked if the RNC had any “good, top, Matzoh-eating lawyers” that could “do their legal mumbo jumbo” and get him permission to hand control of the country over to Vladimir Putin. Romney-McDaniel told Trump no lawyer can do that. That’s when Trump became very nervous and concerned sounding, Romney-McDaniel said.
“Well, okay, I um, have to go make a long distance phone call…to Moscow,” Trump said, “Vlad isn’t going to be happy to hear this. But maybe we can work something out under the table after I’m elected.”