Anaheim, CA — The happiest place on Earth is about to get vaccinated. Following recent reports of multiple Measles outbreaks at Disneyland in past years, officials at the resort decided to offer free vaccinations to restore customer confidence in the world-famous entertainment park. This will include COVID vaccinations once they’re available.
According to health officials, the famous park has struggled with a measles outbreak, which originated from people who refuse to vaccinate themselves or their children. Driven by a false sense of security from a privileged 1st world lifestyle, many people who chose not to vaccinate are rapidly deteriorating what experts call “herd immunity.”
But Disneyland is not standing by waiting for another measles case to appear.
“Look, we know all about the witchcraft and other things,” said Disney Public Relations spokeswoman Jessica Donnelly, “and we have plenty of that here. However, Disneyland wanted to take the pro-active steps and offer each park patron a free MMR [Measles, Mumps, and Rubella] vaccination and a few others with each full-day pass. 1/2 day passes entitle visitors to a $13.56 shot and a free sample of Welch’s Grape Juice.”
According to insiders, this offer is being underwritten by agribusiness giant Monsanto who has partnered with the Magical Kingdom in past initiatives.
“This is a perfect opportunity for Monsanto to show who we are and what we’re about,” said Monsanto spokesman Foster Deidarious. “For decades, Monsanto has worked with Disneyland in building rides and exhibits. Now we can re-build lives and Disneyland’s profitability with mandatory guest vaccinations.”
According to Ms. Donally, the park will pair the vaccinations with some new features and themes.
“For the next month, we’re renaming a few of our popular attractions to raise awareness and show Disneyland cares,” continued Ms. Donally. “For example, we’re renaming Space Mountain to Measles Mountain and creating a new ride called the Wild Pox Jamboree, complete with simulated, pox-laden woolen blankets. Just like the ones used to infect Indians. Oh, and look for Goofy to distract your children from that pinprick.”
It is not clear at the time of this writing how the vaccinations will be administered, nor how officials will know who’s had previous treatments.