Grass Valley, CA — A fire which broke out earlier in Grass Valley – way too close to everybody – was extinguished thanks to a disciplined crew of anti-government types, according to some outspoken witnesses.
The fire was said to have burned over 50 acres in just under hours and threatened many Grass Valley residences.
“We just knew there was a fire. People see, but they don’t really see,” explained Michael Richards, director of Patriotic Countrymen, “we just knew there was a fire and nobody wasn’t gonna do nothing about it. Least of all the government. They can stand back while we take matters into our own hands. And they do, they sure do.”
The Patriotic Countrymen is an online network of “Patriots who do things our own way. We reject all forms of government overreach and all forms of Marxism. We use all available online social media networks to get our freedom message to the people.”
He did add, “Is this interview over? Because I need to go call 911.”
As he concluded his phone call with emergency services, Mr. Richards looked at me with a somewhat inflated look of self-importance.
“Yeah, I’m kind of a rugged individualist kind of guy,” explained Richards, “I take care of my own issues, especially when it comes to survival.”
I asked him how the taxpayer-funded firefighting planes were his doing.
“Look, I knew who to call,” Mr. Richards whimpered, “I have four thousand rounds of ammunition in that shed for when I need to go to war against the government. But now, I need the Feds to help me out. I don’t want that shed to burn. And believe me, brother. You don’t either.”
Mr. Richards went on to say that spraying “shit over my shed” should not ever happen, except “this time, you guys, you [the government and taxpayers] need to do this for the community.”
As the fire keeps spreading, it is unclear if the Patriotic Countrymen armory is any longer extant. What is known is that the powdered water, Top Ramen, jerky, and freeze-dried gillables that may have been somewhat overheated in the flames should make a fantastic soup for the firefighters as they mop up the anti-government militia’s fire problem. The local dead tree problem appears to have diminished as of the time of this report.