Saddle Creek, UT — Dr. Karen McLaren, a research designer at the Bill Gates Center Advanced Research, has been arrested for bioterrorism. McLaren, 38, was attempting to modify the Covid-19 virus, so she didn’t have to come back when America “re-opened the economy.” It’ been dubbed the “lazy virus” by President Trump.
Dr. McLaren’s ex-husband could not be located, and her cat refused an interview. McLaren kept a journal detailing all of her ongoing plans to get people “sick again.”
According to neighbors, Ms. McLaren was always “nice and polite.” They would see her out on her lawn every Sunday with her garden gnomes, watering her rose bushes next to her enormous “WARREN 2020” sign she refused to take down.
Despite being more political than her counterparts, she was a pillar to her community. When the quarantine started, she was the first person in her town to educate everyone on proper N95 mask usage and hand washing before the news began reminding the public not to eat with your wiping hand.
However, the journal Dr. McLaren left behind for authorities to find tells us a completely different tale.
Dr. McLaren’s primary goal was to force a mutation in the Covid-19 virus using technologies like CRISPR and bat semen to lengthen the stay-at-home orders in her and other States. Other plans included manipulating the genetics of other life-threatening viruses like H1N1, Polio, and Syphilis for different reasons. In one instance, she was oddly attempting to modify the Herpes virus to encourage people to shop at Trader Joe’s.
Police officers found some other items worth noting and taken them into evidence. A jar of human saliva labeled with duct tape called, “COVID Spit” and several counterfeit tickets to Wuhan, China. Authorities also found an invoice for two-thousand packages of toilet paper. On a seized laptop computer, she had over a dozen e-mails indicating that a special interest merchant in Shingzopenis, China was a recipient of the previously mention biohazard spit jar.
Right-Wing news outlets seized on the reporting and are attempting to turn Ms. McLaren into the pariah, however so far, most have been obsessed with rebroadcasting the Chinese province “Shingzopenis.”
US Marshalls have not released any additional information at this time.