Goodbye summer: the cold months are officially here. All your favourite mainstays of the season are back: beautiful Fall leaves, cozy wool sweaters, and dark evenings. Dark. So very, very dark. I swear officer, he came out of nowhere!

It’s at times like these that I like to fix myself hot cocoa, snuggle up by the fireplace, and indulge my sweet tooth with a nice seasonal plum cake. Dense with beautiful red tones, much like the remains of that homeless man I hit with my…

To start, preheat the oven to 340F and line a 7 inch springform tin with butter and greaseproof paper. The butter can slip from your fingers whilst doing this, so be careful not to go too fast… way too fast…

Soften three sticks of butter, then mix this with three teaspoons of sugar in a mixing bowl. Then crack two eggs into a separate bowl. Just like how that poor bastard’s skull cracked on the asphalt. So much blood. Oh god.

In a separate bowl, sift 3 cups of flour with a teaspoon of baking powder, then fold in the sugar, egg, and butter mixture, as well as a few drops of vanilla essence. Baking can be quite therapeutic. I often let my mind wander while I fold the flour over the still-warm corpse, his mouth aghast, open eyes judging me.

Once all folded, transfer the mixture to the lined springform tin. Top your cake with demerara sugar and sliced, succulent plums. The screaming. Christ. It still haunts me.

You’ll need to preheat your oven next, or, to save yourself some time, preheat it right when you start baking, and that way the oven should reach the correct temperature when you’re ready to use it. Anything to minimise the time you’re forced to spend alone with your thoughts really.

Place the cake in the shallow grave… I mean, the middle of the oven, and leave to bake for 30 minutes. While the cake is baking, open a bottle of wine. This isn’t for the cake per se, it’s just that alcohol helps chase away the nightmares.

Bake for 50 minutes or until the cake is firm to the touch. I still see his mangled body when I close my eyes. Oh god oh god OH GOD JUST LEAVE ME ALONE IF I COULD TAKE ALL BACK I WOULD BUT I CAN’T OKAY? JUST LEAVE ME BE I’M NOT A BAD PERSON FOR NOT WANTING TO GO TO JAIL FOR SOMETHING THAT WASN’T MY FAULT SO JUST LEAVE ME ALOOOOOONBYEHTHEEHRUZITJ

Serves four. Recommended with a dollop of cream.

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