St. Louis, MO — Researchers at the Monsanto Center of Agricultural Development located at the Washington University in St. Louis, Missouri, has announced a breakthrough discovery using oil shale hydraulic fracturing or “fracking” technology to improve dairy cow’s milk production dramatically.
The three-year research study, co-sponsored by oil services company Halliburton and run by the Palo Alto-based Rundex Family Foundation research corporation, has designed a proprietary and patented technique for extracting “every last drop of milk from cows.” The new technology, code-named Mother’s Milk, has increased milk production yields by 1400% in some test cows.
“The results of the study were encouraging,” said Monsanto spokeswoman Bethany Millbright during a press conference at company headquarters earlier this week. “However, with the combined strength and innovation of Monsanto, Halliburton, and the systematic guidance of Rundex, we were able to provide real value for the world’s dairy marketplaces. This also means that consumers will be able to purchase milk in pariditilarity with the prices of gasoline. And as an added benefit to the economy, this technology can not be manipulated by the Saudis as they do with petroleum outputs.”
At first, skeptics and critics alike were concerned about a petroleum company working with food producers. Many claimed that this would further degrade both quality and nutrition standards as production scales. However, Robert Colvin of Rundex noted that this was a chief concern for both corporations going into this study.
“Well, you gotta understand the pressure that both of these companies are under,” said Rundex lead researcher Robert Colvin from his Palo Alto, CA office. “I mean, look. They both know that they are under the watchful eye of every advocacy group known to humanity. So they wanted to make sure they did this the right way while at the same time providing value to consumers and producers alike. This is a real game-changer for both dairy customers and the commodity markets. We’re estimating that milk prices could drop to $1.00/gallon within the year.”
Not everyone is convinced that this new dairy technology is a good thing.
“What the hell are they thinking,” announced Sairhra Ramun of Nevada City over her megaphone to a largely frightened crowd of tourists out in front of the New York Hotel. “This has to be the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Forget for a moment the quality of the milk. Instead, think about the cows and what they’ll have to be subjected to. It’s inhumane and unsustainable. It must be stopped.”
Some. Like Daft Franklin of Roseville, CA, welcomed the new technology.
“Hey, whatever it takes,” said Mr. Franklin in a Gish Gallop telephone interview. “The Earth is ours as man to harvest. It’s all right there in the Bible. So whatever we can do to make the harvest more plentiful, I’m for it. I know the hippies up in the foothills aren’t going to like it. But aren’t they milking their own cows anyway? And honestly, my family budget is looking forward to $1.00/gallon of milk. Now, if they could only do that with ketchup, I’d be set,” said a chuckling Mr. Franklin.
Although Halliburton declined our request for comment, an internal memo obtained by Gish Gallop suggests that the oil services giant is looking to diversify its holdings in gold production and war profiteering with this new, as the memo puts it, “dairy opportunity.” The company has devoted over 235 million research and development dollars to make this a reality.
As for when this new production method will be available, Ms. Millbright had this to add.
“The research is finished, and the machinery is being manufactured as I stand here,” continued a smiling Ms. Millbright. “Also, the selection for the pilot phase of this project has been done. Once this phase is done, which should be in August, we plan on rolling this to as many as 40% of dairy producers. And consumers should start seeing milk price-drops by the November/December time frame of this year.”