Baton Rouge, LA — A massive and pervasive death cult is breaking quarantine around the country who are continuing to gather in groups of over 50 people to “find God” despite the Coronavirus. They have received local law enforcement’s attention by doing it in public places that are visible to anyone who happens to find themselves traveling to the grocery store for more toilet paper.
While the gathering remained peaceful and quiet, it is, however, breaking the quarantine.
We e-mailed a Baton Rouge, Louisiana sect calling themselves, Lambs Of Yeshua. We asked them why making these in-person gatherings important is that they are willing to risk a deadly viral infection. We received a reply from their founder and current congregation leader:
Well, we believe that Yahweh is going to come back to earth. So all this coronavirus stuff and all of the other terrible things happening on this forsaken planet, like say what all the libtards call climate change? That’s just the devil making the place warmer for himself when he comes to collect all the sinners. All the survivors of this virus are all sinners. Want to know why so many people are dying, even though not everyone who’s catching it does? It doesn’t kill by random.
This virus is the Angel of the Lord. The same Angel that collected all the firstborns of the Egyptians back in the Moses days. This Angel is infecting everyone’s life, and those who are Chosen by Yeshua and Yahweh are then pulled from this earth and taken a right to Heaven. You don’t die from the virus? You are unclean and are going to go right down to Hell. Good luck during the apocalypse, buddy. Have fun fighting all the queers and Muslims over a can of beans so you can feed your damned sinner family.
I should have voted for Trump, as it was part of the prophecy, and it got you what we call ‘extra Prophet Points’ on your Soul Scorecard. When you get to Heaven, your Soul Scorecard will be like your credit score up there. It’ll let you do certain things that only the holiest of people are allowed to do. The more Prophet Points you earn, the more Divine Dragonfruit Daquiri’s you can knock back with the Big Man himself.
This is the rapture, ok? I know where I’ll be going when I die. So do all of us here at our congregation, which is why we come together to enjoy our last days on earth. We’re still sharing bibles and letting our kids spit in each other’s mouths. Anyone that gets curious is welcome, and not the gay curious, spiritual curiosity.
It’s better to be curious about the Lord than what you can put up your butt, am I right? We invite all to join us and change their ways and let Yeshua into their hearts so that when all us good folk get called back to our rightful home.
Go in peace, Grand Cardinal Wizard John Bible III, Esq.
Only time will tell if this massive Doomsday Cult is correct, which is truly the end of days.