R’lyeh, somewhere in the Pacific Ocean –– In what is being discussed as a death blow to Earth and its inhabitants, Cthulhu (pronounced KhlÃ»lâ€²-hloo), the gigantic, wholly evil entity worshiped by cultists who conducts human sacrifices, has joined Amway. This announcement sent shocks through the Multi-Level Marketing or MLM world, as well as terrifying humanity.
“This is clearly the end, ” said a distraught and deeply concerned Northern California Dollar General manager, Tom Don. “That’s it. It’s over. We’ll all be dead by the end of the week. Thanks, Amway. There goes my quarter.”
Amway (short for American Way) is an American company using multi-level marketing techniques to sell various products, primarily in the health, beauty, and home care markets. “Independent Business Owners” (IBOs) market products directly to potential customers and sponsor and mentor other people to become IBOs. IBOs may earn income from the retail markup on any products they sell personally, plus a performance bonus based on the sales volume they and their downline (IBOs they have sponsored) have generated. They also attempt to resurrect ancient deities to increase their dominance in the direct-sell market.
Upline Regional Manager Seth Bedderford is excited about the end of life as we know it.
“We are absolutely thrilled to have Cthulhu as an IBO,” said upline IBO Mr. Bedderford in a Gish Gallop telephone interview. “Although this certainly means that the end of the world is here, imagine how clean our driveways will be after Cthulhu distributes Amway’s Extra Industrial Concrete Cleaner. And think about the pretty faces with the cosmetics distro opportunities. It’s so mind-blowing.”
Although Cthulhu could not be reached for comment, which is not unusual, scholars who understand the destructive entity did share some comments with Gish Gallop.
“For millennia, Cthulhu has been trapped away from human civilization,” said scholar James Badwater of Princeton University. “And this is good because Cthulhu would destroy everything like an angry toddler. A mile-high angry toddler. But the assholes at Amway wanted to make a buck, even if it was for the sake of destroying every last living thing with abject terror.”
At the time of this writing, Cthulhu has not begun to distribute Amway products. However, sources close to the deity said he plans to hold a “Success Party” on Wednesday.