This picture of the Ebola virus can not harm you from your computer screen, we think.
This picture of the Ebola virus can not harm you from your computer screen, we think.

Nevada County, CA — Given the recent news of deadly viral outbreaks around the globe, coupled with the current immigration crisis at the Nation’s borders, many Nevada County citizens are bracing themselves for an onslaught of deadly diseases followed naturally by the Zombification of the entire population.

“I’m scared to death that I’m gonna get Ebola from Africa and Zika from Brazil,” said concerned Nevada City citizen Allison Bedford. “I mean, just look at the news. It’s coming to America. I hear Georgia’s already fallen and Dallas is soon behind it.”

With regards to the Ebola outbreak in Western Africa, health officials are quite clear that if one hasn’t had direct contact with an infected person, then there is no need to worry. With regards to MERS, these outbreaks are limited, contained and managed. Strains of antibiotic-resistant Tuberculosis are on the rise, but are being carefully monitored by officials. Scabies, however, is terrifying.

“There are no such things as Zombies,” said anyone who’s graduated from the 8th grade. “They don’t exist and never will.”

Gish Gallop asked several citizens for their comments on the pending Nevada County viral and bacterial outbreaks.

“Just keep your hands washed,” commented one Facebook contributor. “Keep fit and drink lots of filtered water and vote Republican.”

“I’ve had dreams about Tuberculosis. Nightmares really,” commented another Facebook contributor. “It starts in the south, and creeps up to Nevada County. It’s like a Tuberculosis-Ebola Zombie invasion.”

There is no reason to check back for updates on this story. Stop reading the news. Go outside and have an ice cream cone.

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