Oakland, CA — The US Department of Transportation is warning American consumers to expect “significant delays in the supply of sexual aid devices” up until Christmas after a deepwater container ship washed ashore in Alameda this past week. The Panama-flagged Endurance collided with the moorings of the San Francisco Bay bridge over the weekend and grounded itself on the western Alameda shore.

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The accident caused a 40-foot gash on its starboard side, which left the nearly 1000 foot vessel listing to its right and out of control as it beached itself. As it crashed ashore, the ship tipped, sending over 420 dildo-packed containers to the ground below, nearly missing a van full of Dominican Sisters of St. Cecilia Nuns who were on an outing.

“We had just left Jack London square,” said Sister Beatrice Caprious Clark (32), “when we saw this enormous ship heading towards the shore. So we walked over to see what was going on. As it crashed into the shore, we knew we were in danger, and that’s when the container fell to the ground. A sexual device hit poor Sister Tablesoft, but she’s going to be OK.”

The accident underscores supply and distribution chain issues that keep economic growth flaccid.

Distributor Pleasants, The Shanghai-based owner of the container vessels, said the accident is under investigation. The company is working with the US Department of Transportation into the cause.

“We’re not sure how this happened, but we do have some details,” said DP director of communication Bethany Milbright speaking early this morning. “DP provides almost 40% of the US adult toys market, so we’re expecting significant delivery delays. However, this incident allows us to harden and firm up our fleets, and we expect to return to normal within a couple of weeks.”

Bay Area transportation officials say the Bay Bridge did not sustain any damage but said an engineering team is deep on the bridge’s shafts.

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