Stone Mountain, GA — This year’s Confederate Memorial Day was impacted by the Coronavirus, but that wasn’t going to stop families and friends gathering around idols of Robert E. Lee crafted together from pig shit and turkey gizzards. Bottles of Everclear and Southern Comfort were shared wholeheartedly around the heart of the US of A in honor of the time we decided as a society that human beings are not commodities to be bought and sold.

One man, in particular, was arrested for spitting on the medical staff or anyone else expressing genuine concern over the pandemic. Cal Krantz, leader of the local chapter of the “MAGA MinuteMen.”

On the scene, behind Cal stood his entourage, which consisted of a collection of WW2 veterans he claims to support his cause, all decked out in full military uniforms and openly wielding AR-15’s.

Mr. Krantz shouted via his megaphone about how essential businesses weren’t closing their doors out of respect for their “holiday.” A day Cal and his cohort say is “a day to be respected by all red-blooded Americans in an attempt to fight the enemy which he proclaimed to be the deep state liberal agenda.”

When a group of counter-protesters arrived at the scene, it didn’t stop Mr. Krantz from turning his megaphone right into the oncoming crowd. Before the two groups could confront one another peacefully, Cal Krantz lowered his megaphone and spat in the eyes of his nearest target: a transgender woman who wishes to remain anonymous.

Mr. Krantz was taken into custody for felony harassment, disturbing the peace, and of course, biological terrorism.

Neighbors claim Mr. Krantz was regularly seen performing an armed patrol around the neighborhood, keeping the community safe from “people from shitholes places.” Most of Cal’s neighbors welcome his vigilante spirit, while others weren’t as excited about the “gun-toting lunatic” living down the street from them.

Mr. Krantz also held bi-monthly community watch meetings at the downtown Waffle House handing out pamphlets about gun safety and the Dangers of Sharia Law.

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