Coldplay Promises Not to Put Super Bowl Fans To Sleep

Coldplay's Chris Martin promises not to put the Super Bowl crowd to sleep.
Coldplay’s Chris Martin promises not to put the Super Bowl crowd to sleep.

Santa Clara, CA — Super Bowl fans attending the 50th mega NFL event breathed a sigh of relief on Friday when the halftime entertainment headlined by the British rock band Coldplay promised not to put everyone to sleep.

Coldplay are a British rock band formed in 1996 by lead vocalist Chris Martin and lead guitarist Jonny Buckland. The band’s music has been called “meditative” and “blue romantic”; it “[reflects] on their emotions” and Martin “endlessly examine[s] his feelings.” Which of course is seen by some as hippie bullshit.

Following the announcement, several local ticket holders expressed different opinions on the statement.

“I’m a Broncos fan,” said Marlin Hawthorne of Littleton, CO who had traveled from his home to the Bay Area to watch his team play. “And I know that this is the Kookytown, but I have no desire to be put to sleep by Coldplay. I’m here to watch football, not be tranquilized by Gweneth Paltrow’s vagina talking band.”

Not everyone had such a negative attitude towards Coldplay’s appearance.

“I paid over $500 for my ticket just to see Coldplay,” said San Francisco resident Wayne Slide outside a Santa Clara Starbucks. “I don’t even like football. Too violent and pro-military industrial complex stuff, you know? Anyhow, I’m willing to put all that aside just to see dreamy Chris Martin do his thing. I can’t wait!”

The 50th Super Bowl has a scheduled kickoff at 5:30pm Pacific Standard Time, with the halftime show to take place at, well, halftime.