Hillary Clinton chooses Goldman Sachs over 19-year-old Emma Cote of Pittsburgh, PA
Hillary Clinton chooses Goldman Sachs over 19-year-old Emma Cote of Pittsburgh, PA

Brooklyn, NY — A spokeswoman for the 2016 Hillary Clinton campaign headquarters announced that the Presidential candidate decided to take campaign donations from Goldman Sachs after a vigorous 6-round coin-tossing event at her breakfast table earlier this week. According to Clinton communications director Bethany Millbright, the toss results were remarkable in that all 6 came up in favor of taking money from the large Wall Street investment firm over the $17.00 donation from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania single mother Emma Cote.

According to Ms. Millbright, Ms. Clinton was having breakfast with husband Bill Clinton. Bill was eating an egg-white omelet and Hillary was having her usual bowl of rusty bolts, when she asked the former President his opinion on campaign donations.

“Ms. Clinton was really torn between taking the $17.00 donation from Ms. Cote,” said Ms. Millbright reading from a prepared statement, “and the $1.2 million from Goldman Sachs spread between direct donations and a Super PAC, which I must remind everyone, Ms. Clinton has no involvement with.”

Ms. Millbright went on to describe the astronomically improbable results that transpired at the morning breakfast table.

Continued below…

Clinton campaign spokeswoman Bethany Millbright.
Clinton campaign spokeswoman and director of communications Bethany Millbright.

“It was President Clinton’s idea for the coin toss,” continued Ms. Millbright. “He said, ‘look darlin’, you have the best luck of anyone when it comes to consecutive coin tosses. So why not try it with this? You’ve got nothing to lose.'”

And as it turns out after calling and winning  six consecutive “heads” coin tosses, Ms. Clinton chose Goldman Sachs over Ms. Cote.

“I have to say I’m disappointed about Hillary’s decision to choose a mega investment bank over my money,” said a frustrated Emma Cote in a Gish Gallop telephone interview. “But she knows what she’s doing. She knows how things work. What does a single Mom from Pittsburgh know about anything anyway? At least she’s not going to crash healthcare like Bernie’s going to do.”

Gish Gallop requests for clarification and comment from the Clinton campaign went unanswered. Goldman Sachs issued a statement saying they are pleased with the outcome, but wished Ms. Clinton was a tad cheaper.

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