Herndon, VA — Area chronic masturbator and occasional IMDB film critic Keith Barlow became frustrated late last evening when he mistakenly used Jalapeno peppers instead of the traditional Scotch bonnet chiles the recipes calls for. The 34-year-old who is a cloud engineer at nearby Amazon Web Services considered himself a foodie and was very disappointed he didn’t make the extra effort to find the Caribbean spicy pepper.

“I was in a hurry to rub out my shopping list,” said a frustrated Mr. Barlow. “Usually, it doesn’t take me long. You know you do it, and then you’re done. So it’s my damn fault I didn’t go to another store.”

According to his long girlfriend Denise Dabberol, he didn’t seem “into it” like he usually was.

“I don’t know what it is, but Keith seems tired and uninspired in the kitchen. He blames the peppers, but I think it goes deeper than that. Much deeper. Deep. Like, I want to know how deep it does. But he seems distracted by something else.”

“The jalapenos should have worked,” continued Mr. Barlow. “After you get everything all mashed up, you have to rub it into the chicken. That’s the trick. You start slow and then work your way up to an aggressive frenzy. That’s how you make a great jerk chicken. Maybe I went too fast this time. You know, I needed to take my time. What a letdown.”

Mr. Barlow says he’s going to take his time and “do it the right way” next time even if it takes all day.

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