Nevada County, CA — Fresh on the heels of a New Jersey Beach closure scandal that has lowered the already unpopular Governor’s favorability rating, Chris Christie is back in the negative spotlight again after he closed an entire South Yuba River State Park this weekend. According to many on the scene, the rotund governor arrived at the Oregon Creek day use area in Northern California’s Tahoe National Forest and immediately had “his men” start to clear out the area.
“So my bud and I were down at the river enjoying the rays when this huge dude in a suit told us we had to leave,” said North San Juan resident and local ‘farmer’ who goes by the name of Moonash. “I was like, ‘dude, you’re absolutely killing my buzz,’ but that just made him angrier. I was going to fight this asshole, but Skyy [Moonash’s friend, local paranormal researcher Skyy Wolford] was like ‘let’s bail,’ so we went down to Bridgeport where all the Marysville people go.”
According to a spokesperson for Governor Christie, this event was arranged by President Trump for his old friend.
“Look,” said a stern Christie spokeswoman Bethany Millbright, “President Trump is the boss of the Federal Parks and he can do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. And it so happened that Governor Christie wanted some downtime away from the noise of New Jersey. President Trump talked to Ted Nugent and he suggested the Yuba River where he’s gone deer hunting in the past and the governor took him up on it.”
Other river visitors also report being harassed by the governor’s assistants.
“I was down there with the kids early on Sunday,” said Nevada City resident Stacy Grant. “I always like to beat the crowds, you know. I had just put down our blankets and was getting the floaties ready when this large man with the vocabulary of sailor told me to ‘get the f*!k out’ on orders of Donald Trump. At first I thought it was a joke, but then he started grabbing my things and throwing them around, so we left.”
It took Christie’s team approximately 15 minutes to clear out the park and the governor arrived 30 minutes later, according to a park official who chose to remain anonymous for fear of retaliation. The governor lounged alone for about 60 minutes until he smelled marijuana smoke and then abruptly left. He was later spotted at a fast food drive-thru in Grass Valley’s Glenbrook Basin.