Gloucester, MA — The popular mascot for Starkist brand tuna Charlie Tuna was hospitalized this week with severe mercury poisoning and possible Autism. He is in critical condition and his prognosis is unknown.

Charlie was born in 1961. His life goal was to be caught by fishermen to pursue his dream in show business. He was caught in 1979 by the fishing troller Stinky Fist. The Captain said, “who am I to deny Charlie his dream?”

After working as the Starkist Tuna “spokesfish,” he was laid off in 1989 after the 9-year ad campaign. Charlie’s health began to decline and he could no longer continue. After a failed comeback in 1999, Charlie retired and went back to the Atlantic ocean. Charlie came out in 2003 as being diagnosed with autism. He has been outspoken about the mercury levels in our water.

Charlie will continue to undergo treatment, we will keep you updated on his condition.

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Cleveland Sam, born Sam C. Sharpe, is a hero, a hero to anyone who knows him in Ohio. At the mere age of 7, he rescued a small girl from the clutches of a herd of llamas outside his boyhood home of Cleveland, OH. By the age of 12, he had already rescued over 14 children from near deaths ranging from freak ice cream truck accidents, to drownings in neighbors' Dough Boy Pools. But his heroism didn't stop at youth. No sir. As a teenager, he saved the entire cheerleading squad of his local high school from certain death with their "party van" caught fire during a local "rager." He writes for Gish Gallop because he feels he needs to rescue it. He's probably correct.