Brigham City, Utah – Today, the CDC was alerted by local health officials that a local man was showing early signs of COVID-19. Upon arrival, CDC authorities conducted their tests and confirmed that [Name redacted for the sake of the individual’s privacy] indeed had contracted Coronavirus. The infected man is employed at the P&G Manufacturing and Distribution Facility in Brigham City, Utah, where many brands of toilet tissue, kleenex brand products, paper towels, or anything brand name that is paper for the household.

We interviewed Tom Conroy, a Brigham City local who claimed to know Patient Zero.

“I can’t believe [redacted] had the virus this whole time. I worked next to him. He was quality control, specifically all of the toilet paper brands. We always knew that [redacted] was a smoker. We assumed his coughing fits were just his age plus the fact he smoked for what he said about 30 years. Yeah good ol’ [redacted] is lookin’ at retirement in a few months too. Shucks. Looks like he’s gettin’ an early one. They done quarantined him already earlier this mornin’. But yeah he would just sit on his stool, eat his Russel Stovers, and cough all to hell all over the toilet paper passin’ right on by him. I always wonder’d if that was a bad idea or not. But it’s toilet paper. You gotta wipe your ass with somethin’! Right?”

The CDC stated that the infected man is an asymptomatic carrier for COVID-19, and the most advanced living case they have seen so far. [Redacted] is officially now Patient Zero of COVID-19.

The CDC has released a warning due to the situation.

“Toilet paper, paper towels, anything manufactured by the P&G brand, (Charmin, Bounty, Cottonelle, Kimberly Clark, Georgia Pacific, Scott, Angel Soft, Seventh Generation, Windsoft, and Kleenex) are now all potential vectors of transmission for COVID-19. Remain calm and simply throw any unopened toilet paper/paper towels/paper plates/napkins in the garbage in sealed trash bags that must be isolated from the rest of your waste upon your local weekly trash pickup. If you don’t already own a bidet, it is advised you to purchase one per toilet in your household and install it in your home. You do not need a pallet of them, one per toilet will be enough.”

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