November, 2021

News

Team America: World Police Depart For Paris

In light of the recent terrorist attack in Paris, France, and the possibility more might come, The United States' premiere fighting force, Team America: World Police departed for France early Thursday morning.

Penn Valley to Deny “Gay” Marriage Licenses

A group of local Christian activists have banded together to prevent same-sex marriages from happening in Penn Valley, CA. The group, called Citizen Against Non-Traditions or CAN'T, seeks to prevent anyone from gaining a marriage license in the rural, largely conservative town.

Police Fraternity Planning a Surprise Party for Quentin Tarantino

Following comments made by American film director and actor Quentin Tarantino at a New York City protest, the Fraternal Order of Police Officers announced last week that it was planning a "surprise party" for him as a way of thanking him for his recent "support" of police officers.

Brian Williams: I Was At Ben Carson’s 1997 Stabbing

Brian Williams admitted to a small press conference that he was at the 1997 stabbing event of Presidential hopeful Ben Carson. The stabbing event, which apparently occurred in Mr. Williams' mind, happened when the soft-spoken neurosurgeon was at a Christian event speaking about Old Testament history.

Area Botox Party Goes Horribly Wrong

What started out as a girl's night out Botox party ended badly when a first time General Practitioner failed to administer the doses correctly. Although no one was hurt, many of the participants do have some facial disfigurements that will probably last a few months, after which the toxin wears off.
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Popular

Adobe to Retire Impact Meme Font

After months of deliberation following an extensive study from the Rundex Family Foundation, in a stunning announcement, Adobe Systems has decided to remove the Impact Font from all of its product offerings.

Middle Manager to Find Out Who’s Snoring on Conference Calls

Area middle manager Pajas Balasubramanian has been tasked with the thankless job of finding out who keeps snoring on company conference calls. Mr. Balasubramanian, a naturalized American citizen from New Delhi, India, is currently the Managers of Education Experience for local firm Video Axcell.

Rand Paul Under Fire For Accepting Stimulus Money

The usually anti-government Senator from Kentucky says there's nothing wrong with taking federal stimulus money.

Canada Considers Replacing Maple Leaf with Gravy Ladle

A group of Canadian nationalists are petitioning the government in Ottawa to replace the maple leaf on the Canadian flag with something more representative of the Great White North.

Office Worker Unsure Why Cheeto Goes Uneaten

Area technology worker and parental advice expert Brent Underwood doesn't understand why no one will eat the last CheetosĀ® in the break room. The lone puffy snack treat, which has sat in a paper tray for over 3 hours, has not been fondled nor eaten leading Mr. Underwood confused about what's wrong with it.