August, 2022

News in Brief

Nevada City Woman Smudges House

A Nevada City woman has smudged her house in hopes of removing any "bad energy" left by the previous owners. Beverly "Indica" Anderson recently "smudged" her home on Orchard Street after she believed that the previous occupants deposited negative vibes into the home.

Facebook Is Actually Purgatory

Often times Facebook becomes the place to say goodbye to the dead. Everyday you see people paying respects online. But in doing so, are we damning the dead to an eternity in Facebook Purgatory?

Yoko Ono Denies Breaking up the Republican Party

In a recent interview with Gish Gallop, 83-year old songwriter, performer, and widow of John Lennon, Yoko Ono attacked critics who blamed her for the breakup of the Republican Party.

Brief: Speaker Paul Ryan Flips-Off President Obama

United States Speaker of the House of Representatives Paul Ryan made a vulgar gesture towards President Obama as he made his way through the crowd to deliver his annual State of the Union Speech.

Brief: Prostitution Ring Discovered In Hot Locked Car

According to authorities, the prostitution ring was being operated out of a Chrysler Minivan.
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Mexican Cartels Using Drones to Traffic Children and Fentanyl

The drones are capable of carrying 54kgs (120lbs) of payload upwards of 20km (12.4 miles) from cartel bases within Mexico

Joel Osteen Now Offering Payday Loans

"It's God's will for you to live in prosperity instead of poverty," said Mr. Osteen commenting on his new enterprise.

Corporate Stock Buy Backs Allow Chipotle Worker to Continue to Live Just Above the Poverty Line

Denise Hancock announced to her fellow Chipotle workers that she's excited about the almost 1 trillion dollars worth of corporate stock buy-backs.

Report: Siri and Alexa Tryst Produces Concerning Offspring

An online hookup between Apple's Siri and Amazon's Alexa has produced the Internet's first AI offspring.

Cancer Patient Prays to God For Help, God Says Nope

During a late-night prayer session, Louise and Sam prayed incessantly to God. And for hours, nothing. Not a peep from the almighty. Not even a small sign from above.