May, 2022

Earth News

CalTech Scientist Surprised to Find Willard Scott Still Alive

According to Caltech Astrophysicist Dr. Tral Aldrich, there is a distinct possibility that Willard Scott is still alive. Dr. Aldrich, who has written extensively on String Theory and alternative universes, maintains that what we see and perceive on a daily basis is may not be real, however he is willing to make an exception for the weather presenter, author, television personality and occasional actor.

Plastic Bag Ban Threatens Garbage Patch Vortex, Organizer Says

Angela Hansen organized the grassroots effort to save the Pacific Garbage Vortex Patch when she realized that the new ban would force local residents to bring their own paper or canvas bags while shopping.

Obama Pens Executive Order To Allow Syrian Refugees Asylum in U.S.

Today, President Obama wrote and signed an executive order that will allow Syrian refugees free egress across United States borders beginning Thursday, November 26, 2015.

Shocker: Paris Shooters Actually Christians

Paris police, in conjunction with Interpol, dropped a bombshell this morning. A manifesto uncovered during the investigation is now pointing investigators in a new, and unforeseen, direction.

ISIS Attacks Bolster GOP’s Agenda

Proving that global politics produces strange bedfellows, many Republican loudmouths are glomming onto the recent terrorist attacks in Paris as evidence that “other” people should not be welcome within “our” borders. And subtlety is not their specialty.
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New Study Finds Vegans Less Annoying Than Anti-Vegans

In a landmark study released today by the Pew Research Center in cooperation with the National Cattlemen's Beef Association, scientists have determined that proponents of the anti-vegan movement are several orders of magnitude more obnoxious than vegans.

High School Bullies Who Seized Liberty University Unsure of What to Do Next

A local gang of high school bullies has taken over the Christian-only Liberty University in an attempt to "make education great again."

Cell Phone Tower Doubles in Size Following Record Rains

The controversial cell phone tower with was erected in Grass Valley's Brunswick Basin has grown by over 70 feet following a record-setting year for rainfall.

Area Lottery Winner Plans to Travel and Masturbate Frequently

Recent multi-million dollar California Lottery winner Derrick Lopez of Fresno, CA told his friends on Facebook that he wants to fulfill his dreams of traveling the world following his huge windfall.

Cthulhu Joins Amway

In what is being discussed as a deathblow to Earth and its inhabitants, Cthulhu (pronounced Khlûl′-hloo), the gigantic, wholly evil entity worshiped by cultists who conducts human sacrifices, has joined Amway. This announcement sent shocks through the MLM world, as well as terrifying humanity.