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September, 2021

Music

Robert Fripp Retires to Teach Guitar in Derry, New Hampshire

Esteemed progressive guitar player Robert Fripp announced that he is retiring from his leadership position in King Crimson, and plans on spending his days at a Derry, New Hampshire's Smash Music located on East Broadway Street.

Rush to Release Long-lost Disco Album

Progressive rock band Rush is planning one releasing a collection of 1978 disco outtakes.

Keith Richards’ Mom Dead at 167

According to a spokesperson for the Rolling Stones, Keith Richards wishes not to be bothered.

Caltech Physicist: Rock N’ Roll Actually Euphemism For Fornication

According to CalTech astrophysicist Dr. Tral Aldrich, there is a distinct possibility that the popular form of music known as 'Rock N' Roll' is really just a euphemism for fornication.

Elvis’ Last Turd Goes On the Auction Block

Darrel Kent of Wichita, Kansas is going to auction off his authentic Elvis turd.
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“Racists aren’t the real racists. You’re the real racist,” Says Area Racist

Merton Davies knows a racist when he sees one.

Eric Cartman Based On South Park Creator’s Pet Guinea Pig

According to a new tell-all book, the creator of the Comedy Central show South Park based the popular character Eric Cartman on his childhood guinea pig.

Most Americans Still OK with the 71,000 Afghans We Bombed to Death

Mr. Bufton doesn't think about the casualties in the Afghan theater. All he knows is that he's keeping America safe.

Low IQ Man Can’t Handle The Hectic Pace of California

A California man can't hack the challenges of living in the golden state anymore.

Anti-Chemtrailers Quietly Applaud Ivermectin-based Cloud Seeding Operations

According to a memo, the DoD started Operation Horse Paste Earlier this month with the goal of "controlling the massive spread of the COVID-19 Delta variant."