Orange County, CA — In a stunning, first-time, overnight, immediate, and what some are calling a “completely fuckin’ killer bro” decision, the Orange County Board Of Supervisors agreed to have Bayer-Monsanto genetically modify orange trees. Orange County already produces some fruit that contains up to 20% in naturally occurring LSD. The “Experiment Project” as it has been named, is a bold move for Genetically Modified Organisms or GMOs, and fans of the Grateful Dead. The Experiment Project will boost existing LSD concentrations by over 23%.
Professor Heinz Microdacht of Laguna Beach, who led the Institute of Psychology Awareness Experiment Project was asked during the press conference why would one cross LSD and oranges. And how would this work?
“Oh it’s much simpler than you think,” Professor Microdacht stated. “We are going to train chimpanzees to climb orange trees with a syringe and just have them inject the oranges with the LSD solution. The cost is very effective I assure you all. Madame Bovineur of the Pigskin District had our accountants go over the paperwork. Now if you’ll excuse me I have an alien to encounter in the seventh dimension.”
Professor Microdacht abruptly walked off the stage into the crowd. He fell flat on his face, raising a noticeable gasp from the audience.
The Experiment Zones
Caged chimpanzees are being trucked into various cities of Orange County, including Orange, Anaheim, Irvine, Mission Viejo, Santa Ana, Brea, Fullerton, and San Clemente. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals or PETA has sent out “away teams” of angry vegans to protest the usage of animals in a science experiment.
Some cities are doing fine under the pressure, but there are reports in some of the Experiment Zones of the chimpanzees breaking out of their cages or being let out by protesters. The chimpanzees then proceed to grab the LSD filled syringes and start injecting everyone they immediately see. Gish Gallop has an exclusive, anonymous over the phone interview with one of the victims from the Experiment Zone 6, Brea.
Gish Gallop: Hi, yeah so I’m conducting interviews for the possible rumors of chimp atta-”
Anonymous: “Who called you? Did I call you?”
Gish Gallop: “Uhm no sir, I just called you. I was given your phone number by a detective that I’m assisting on a case as a journalist. Can you confirm that the chimpanzees did in fact escape their captivity and attack everyone in an area?”
Anonymous: “The monkeys? The monkeys gave me a shot. I thought I was going to die. I did. Then I talked to god, and he said the monkeys were sent by him to bring enlightenment to Orange County. And man I gotta agree with god bro. Like it was god and I was like talking to him. But then things got hazy. I found a leaf on the ground and started to kick it but then it reminded me of my brother and me playing in the leaves before he died in that car accident. Dude, like it, was awful bro. I had to go like sit down for a while and stare at the sun. I found my phone in my pocket after wondering what the black holes were doing in my pants, and it had the headphones in. I put on some 21 Pilots bro, and just chilled. Like for real chilled. Hey, why did you call me anyway? Are you Tony’s friend? ‘Cause I just ran out of weed and I need a ride to the store.”
We were forced to hang up the phone because Tony’s friend was in the room and he didn’t feel like giving this guy a ride.