New $100 Bills used to do some "shopping."
New $100 Bills used to do some “shopping.”

Grass Valley, CA — Briar Patch checker Maria Arrellano notices a lot of people are paying for their groceries with $100 bills these days.

“We see it a lot in here. You know, people paying with $100 bills,” commented Ms. Arrellano. “Some customers have whole wads of them.”

Although the source of these $100 bills is unknown, Gish Gallop knows of no Automatic Teller Machine (ATM) in the Nevada County region that dispenses Benjamins. Generally, making retail purchases with such large bill denominations tends to raise merchant suspicions.

“Look, when we get lots of $100 bills in our till,” commented a downtown Grass Valley owner of a popular deli. “We can think of only one thing: money laundering. I mean, who uses a $100 bill to buy a sandwich?”

According to the Department of Treasury, a staggering 65% of all $100 bills ordered by the Federal Reserve are paid out to foreign accounts, namely banks and “other foreign interests.” It appears that the United States’ chief export might be C-notes. The remaining balance is circulated for domestic use, typically involving tax evasion and other shady activities.

“People complain about how we need to raise taxes, but right here in Nevada County we have quite a few people living the tax-free life,” complained Glenda Hobson as she sipped a celery-pineapple smoothie on the BriarPatch patio.

Not everyone is using $100 bills for questionable activity.

“My Mom gave me $100 to pay my PG&E bill,” said Nate Newton out in front of the PG&E office in Grass Valley. “Does that make my Mom a drug…I mean a medicine dealer? I think not.”

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