Brief: Tinfoil Hats No Longer Effective

The Tin Foil Hat Society is in trouble.
The Tin Foil Hat Society is in trouble. Source: Youtube

Earth, the third rock from the Sun — Groups of conspiracy theorists and alien watchers have used tinfoil hats to repel both government broadcasts and alien brain waves. Scientists are now finding them to no longer be an effective means of protection.

Gish Gallop spoke with Dr. Louis Kahn of Sierra Community College. We asked Dr. Kahn how they found the tin foil hats to be ineffective.

“Well, groups have become increasingly agitated, to the point of supporting Donald Trump,” said Dr. Kahn during a Gish Gallop telephone interview. “The brain waves from his hair have become nearly unstoppable, millions are already affected and are losing IQ points daily”.

When asked how those waves are being stopped, Dr. Kahn replied, “toilet paper and Saran Wrap. Odd combination I know, but it is proven to be especially effective at stopping bullshit. Toilet paper must be placed on the head and held tight by wrapping Saran Wrapâ„¢ around the head, it is the only proven way to combat the brain waves.”

We asked Dr. Kahn if it still stopped alien brain waves. Dr. Kahn’s eyes glazed and glossed over when he said that, “there are no alien brain waves in existence, there is no need to worry”.

Local conspiracy theorists have been spotted at local markets purchasing large amounts of toilet paper and Saran Wrap. This has lead paper industry experts to caution that this unexpected spike in toilet paper purchases could impact supplies and prices nation-wide. Could a toilet paper shortage be on the horizon?

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Cleveland Sam, born Sam C. Sharpe, is a hero, a hero to anyone who knows him in Ohio. At the mere age of 7, he rescued a small girl from the clutches of a herd of llamas outside his boyhood home of Cleveland, OH. By the age of 12, he had already rescued over 14 children from near deaths ranging from freak ice cream truck accidents, to drownings in neighbors' Dough Boy Pools. But his heroism didn't stop at youth. No sir. As a teenager, he saved the entire cheerleading squad of his local high school from certain death with their "party van" caught fire during a local "rager." He writes for Gish Gallop because he feels he needs to rescue it. He's probably correct.