San Francisco, CA — Cheers rang out across the Federation yesterday as Starfleet officials announced that the Borg had accidentally assimilated American actor Charlie Sheen into the collective. Mr. Sheen was captured by the terrifying alien force late last week after the Borg had intercepted older broadcasts of the popular CBS sitcom Two and a Half Men. According to the Star Fleet command, Mr. Sheen’s assimilation destroyed the entire Borg collective within 1 hour.
“I’m not sure why we didn’t think of the handing over Charlie Sheen earlier,” said Federation Starfleet Admiral Harry Morrow reading a prepared statement from the San Francisco headquarters. “Like many great advancements, this one was another simply by accident. The details are slim, but all we know is that the Borg intercepted several early re-runs of both Two and a Half Men and the popular tabloid TV show Extra! from errant and transient broadcasts which escaped Earth’s magnetic field. For reasons that are still unclear, the Collective decided that Mr. Sheen would be advantageous to assimilate. They were, unfortunately, very wrong, and now the universe is free of them. It is a great day for the Federation.”
According to accounts for several space stations, including outposts Starbase 375 and DS9, Borg Cubes began spontaneously exploding in their respective sectors without warning. According to Deep Space 9’s Miles O’Brien, they received a series of strange and cryptic transmissions from the cubes just before their demise.
“It’s almost as if they were asking for help, I tell ya,” said Commander O’Brien speaking with Gish Gallop via subspace communication. “They were clearly in trouble, but being the Borg, they can’t be trusted. We received messages saying, ‘I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen’ and ‘Boom, crush. Night, losers. Winning, duh.‘ And then they started exploding. Good riddance.”
Gish Gallop has confirmed that both Charlie Sheen is indeed missing and that the Borg are no longer a threat to Earth and the greater Federation.