Alta Sierra, CA — On the heals of a recent Bigfoot siting of Alta Sierra, a researcher of the semi-rural development has warned that the cryptid–ape-like creature might attack the proposed Dollar General store if it is developed along highway 49.
“From my studies of the Bigfoot, I wouldn’t rule out an attack on the convenience store,” said local Bigfoot “researcher” and amateur cryptozoologist Keith Bradenshauer of Alta Sierra. “The creature is known for its solitary and isolated habits, only occasionally appearing for reasons we don’t understand. And I think it’s this ‘mysterious appearing’ that might spell doom for Dollar General.”
Bigfoot, also known as Sasquatch, is the name given to a cryptid ape- or hominid-like creature that some people believe inhabits forests, mainly in the Pacific Northwest region of North America. Bigfoot is usually described as a large, hairy, bipedal humanoid who hates unnecessary retail development and suburban sprawl. However the creature is not to be confused with former 9/11 mastermind terrorist Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. As for Mr. Bradenshauer, he loves all kinds of cryptozoology phenomena and alien abduction conspiracies. He’s been known to watch every single show on the SciFi channel and he has a filing cabinet in the upstairs office crammed full of Bigfoot newspaper clippings and photographs, according to his wife Beth.
The proposed Dollar General store has met with significant friction in the community. Most complaints stem from the fact that there is already a Dollar General store a mere 5 miles away, not to mention a plethora of other grocery store options. Some citizens also seem to be growing sick of buying crap they don’t need.
“We already have the Alta Sierra Market here,” said Alta Sierra resident and retiree Sal Smith, sipping his 4th cocktail of the night. “Yeah, it’s not the best. But it’s ours. What’s not to like about unrefrigerated iceberg lettuce, you know? Come on, enough is enough.”
Although most residents are concerned about how an outside corporate grocery chain might impact their quality of life, Mr. Bradenshauer said there are even more ominous things to worry about.
“I get the whole ‘no more Roseville‘ thing here in Nevada County,” continued a somewhat mood-elevated Mr. Bradenshauer. “But there are far more worrisome things here. The Bigfoot will not tolerate this imbalance in nature. Sure, it will take out the Dollar General. But then it will turn its attention to our homes. Wake up sheeple. There will be hell to pay if we continue to ignore nature.”