Richfield, MN — American retail giant Best Buy announced this week that mainland Chinese retailer Bestest Buy was going after¬†infringing on its trademarked name. The multinational consumer electronics company, ¬†headquartered in Richfield, Minnesota, said in a press release that it plans to aggressively defend its brand from, in the words of the memo, “agents who wish to capitalize on Best Buy’s good name illegally.”

Bestest Buy, which has copied every element of Best Buy, opened its first store in Shanghai last year to great fanfare. Within six months, the retailer had become China’s 3rd largest, with over 15 stores opening last year in the greater Shanghai region, with sales estimated in the range of almost $13 billion US dollars. Best Buy sells knock-off American brands as well as authentic products such as Apple’s iPhone.

“As you may have heard, the FBI has identified a company called ‘Bestest Buy’ operating in the greater Shanghai area,” said Best Buy Director of Communications Bethany Millbright reading from a prepared statement. “This is of major concern to us, and we wanted to take a moment to share the efforts we are taking to ensure only legitimate Best Buy products end up in the hands of our loyal customers. Unfortunately, counterfeiting is not a new issue in the global retail enterprise. Because our customers expect and deserve the highest level of satisfaction when purchasing Best Buy products, we actively monitor the counterfeit market and have longstanding processes in place to address this challenge.”

What’s even more troubling for the retail giant is that there is very little recourse they have to stop the counterfeit Chinese version. Because trade laws are so lax and unenforceable, it makes it difficult for any American individual or company to issue a cease and desist to activities like this overseas. Of course, this puts American policymakers in a bind.

“Well, there you go,” said Professor James Badwater of the University of Chicago. “So lawmakers try to pass legislation to strengthen trade regulations, and you’ve got people screaming that it’s destroying American jobs. So, it’s a no-win situation for everyone. Well, except for the Communist Chinese, who would like to keep things just the way they are. The only recourse we have is war? Lots of complaining?”

Local reaction was somewhat expected.

“Freaking Happy Christmas,” area community and chemtrail activist Sairhra Ramun announced to several scared tourists out in front of Nevada City’s New York Hotel. “Why should we care about big corporations and their whining about China stealing from them? Instead, we should be focusing on what China is doing to the environment. I’m not sure how we’ll force them to stop, but it all starts right here. Who’s with me?”

According to the Obama administration, without robust and transparent trade agreements, the United States has very little leverage to convince China to respect America’s innate sense of private and intellectual property.

“What would you like the United States to do?” Questioned White House Secretary Josh Earnest in a rare, non-haiku press conference. “Bomb them? Manipulate the currency in an already volatile global economy? Without these trade deals, as imperfect as they are, we have no leverage. So it’s easy to complain. It’s a lot harder actually to do something about it. Right?”

Best Buy is seeking relief through a cease and desist order via the Chinese Judicial system. However, insiders say the retail behemoth has little chance of succeeding.

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