Paradise Valley, AZ — Former Arizona Senator and 1964 Presidential Candidate Barry Goldwater has risen from ashes and announced that he plans on seeking the 2016 Republican nomination for President of the United States. The move, which is expected to shake up the current list of candidates, was a surprise due to the fact that he has been dead for almost 17 years.
“I know this is a surprise to many, considering I’ve been dead for almost 18 years,” announced a sprite, dapper and re-constituted from ash Mr. Goldwater, “but I’ve been figuratively rolling around in my grave ever since the 2016 Presidential Election cycle began. I am completely confused and aggravated on what’s happened to the Republican Party. I don’t recognize it.”
Barry Goldwater was a businessman and five-term United States Senator from Arizona (195365, 196987) and the Republican Party’s nominee for president in the 1964 election. By the 1980s, the increasing influence of the Christian right on the Republican Party so conflicted with Goldwater’s views that he became a vocal opponent of the religious right on issues such as abortion, gay rights, and the role of religion in public life. After narrowly winning re-election to the Senate in 1980, he chose not to run for a fifth term in 1986, and was succeeded by fellow Republican John McCain.
Reaction from the current GOP faithful was shrill, strident and bat-shit crazy.
“Goldwater is a liberal,” screamed Donna Gore of Penn Valley, CA during a Gish Gallop telephone interview. “He’s a godless atheist who supports abortion and gay rights. I don’t care if he’s risen from the grave, the last thing we need is another gay baby killer like Obama in office. Goldwater needs to return from where he came from, which is dead. Or at least be honest and join the Democrats.”
In related news on the heels of Mr. Goldwater’s announcement, former President of the United States Dwight Eisenhower is considering joining the Goldwater ticket as his VP. According to sources close to the currently dead and un-risen former President, he is also confused by the current direction of the Republican Party.
“I have no idea who these people are, but we fought a war to get rid of nutty people like this,” said President Eisenhower in a press release from the other side of eternity. “America does best when we don’t allow the margins of the political debate to run the show. And the current GOP candidates are unrecognizable to me.”
The new Goldwater campaign is in the process of setting up Facebook, Twitter and Instagram accounts and is expecting large turnouts to see the un-dead candidate.