Nevada City, CA — A local bear inhabiting the Banner Mountain community is tired of what he sees and has decided to come forward in hopes that he can change some disturbing trends in residents’ eating habits. According to sources close to the bear, he has stepped up his garbage raiding efforts of unsuspecting homeowners to shame them into eating better.
“Yeah, Jeb has had it with the eating habits of your average American,” said occasional accomplice black bear Seth “are you gonna eat that” Jones. “We bears hate all this Taco Bell and Carl’s Jr. crap you folks are eating. So Jeb decided to do something about it. You’ve seen the pictures. I think he’s doing a good job.”
Wildlife officials have repeatedly warned homeowners to keep their garbage locked up or get “bear boxes” to store their refuse. But, for some unknown reason, they continue to put their garbage out the night before, which is a large food magnet for the local bear populations.
“We’ve told people over and over again not to entice the wildlife populations by putting their garbage out too early,” said an unidentified wildlife official. “Not since Banner Deer Gardener incident has people been so stupid. Hopefully, Jeb will shame these people into locking up their garbage and help them eat better.”
According to bear Seth, Jeb’s tactics haven’t affected the quality of garbage in the cans.
“It’s still pretty bad,” continued Seth. “Just last night, for example, I’d say that 25% of one can on Valley View was fast food crap. Come on, folks, give a damn. Stop putting this crap into your bodies. And our bodies, for that matter.”
Gish Gallop could not reach bear Jeb as he is currently in hiding.