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Babylon Bee Announces Anti-Masturbation App

Christians have new hope for a current "hand-demic."

Shyster, PA — The online Christian news service the Babylon Bee announced that it has developed a mobile application to help curb the current masturbation “hand-demic.” The app, developed in conjunction with the Virginia-based Liberty University, aims to cut self-gratification by at least 60% in Christians and 1.5% in Atheist populations.

“We been developing our WhackNot app for the past three years,” said Babylon Bee labs Director of research Dane Chad. “We first developed it under the working name of JesusReminder, because we originally wanted an app that detected swearing and reminded its users to walk in Christ. But we soon learned that our users have the highest rates of masturbation in the industrialized world. So we pivoted to that.”

The app, which is scheduled to be released next week for iPhone and by August for Android, will come in two versions: a free version and a premium $42.00 version with a free mug inscribed with “Jesus is Watching You Masturbate” on the side.

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When asked if the application is a revenue-generating opportunity for the reactionary publication, Mr. Chad seemed confused.

“I operate our R&D facility; I don’t know much about the money side of the business. But I can tell you the Liberals who run social media want to shut us down. We’ve been told our reach is limited because our messages are filled with hate and bigotted dog whistles, whatever that means. But we Christians know what’s going on. We’re used to being victimized.”

During its beta testing phase, the WhackNot app generally received positive reviews. However, Mr. Chad said they made a mistake testing the application during church services across the United States. He noted that next time they’d plan. But despite these setbacks, he remains optimistic.

“Anything is possible with Jesus,” continued Chad. “We like to say, ‘With Jesus, you can beat it together.’ That’s what the app is about, much like our publications. Putting our users closer to Jesus. I mean, how can you climb the ladder to heaven with your hands in an unclean spot?”

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