Washington, D.C. — The United States Department of Homeland Security issued a stark warning today warning of an imminent uprising of various ‘ismist’ factions. The brief, issued directly from one of the many acting directors of DHS, claimed that the “vulnerable country is not prepared for what it can’t see.”
“Both acting Secretary Wolf and acting Deputy Secretary Cuccinelli have been meeting all week with other acting DHS officials to discuss this threat,” said acting DHS spokesperson Bethany Millbright speaking in front of a Washington D.C. area Kinkos. “The list of Ismist groups is large, looming, and daunting. But President Trump is the greatest president ever. Period. And he’s taken aggressive action to protect the American people, as he always has.”
Ms. Millbright, who said she was at Kinkos as a cost-cutting measure at DHS, listed several movements that threaten to “undo, transform, ” and a new political science term that Trump-himself has invented, “de-Jesus” America.
“There are today many ‘isms in America. They are everywhere,” continued Ms. Millbright growing uncomfortable. “They’re in factories, offices, butcher stores, on street corners, in private businesses–and each carries in himself the germ of death for society.”
When asked for a list of the threats, she referred the press core to the DHS website, which was down for an unspecified reason. Early this morning, the website issues were resolved with a new list of the most ‘threatening’ isms “to the Republic.”
Those included: communism, gayism, veganism, democratism, socialism, bernieism, atheism, organicism, Zoroastrianism, cultural Marxism, feudalism, witticism, bruxism, murderism, Trotskyism, SCAKUism or sarcasticism, and one that terrifies our elder community, robotulism.
Response from the media was swift.
“No matter what Donald Trump does, he’s guaranteed to have support from the Republican Party,” said MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow responding to the exhaustive ‘isms list. “And we know there’s one thing he’s good at, and one thing he’s not good at. He’s good at making up a crisis he can fake-fix, and really bad at fixing a real crisis. So he has to create a fake crisis to distract his supporters from the real crisis.”
Others, like Professor James Badwater of the University of Chicago’s Badwater Institute for Policy and Garment Studies, were even more direct in their warnings.
“Demagogues and dictators do this. They coin phrases as a proxy or participant for hate and division. And when questioned, they attack the questioner as being party to the enemy,” said Professor Badwater. “Of course this is concerning, but not surprising. We’ve seen this twice-told story many times before. But it all comes down to this: no one man can terrorize a whole nation unless we are all his accomplices.”