November, 2021

Violet Matenapolis

Born Alma Greenwalt in Modesto, California Violet Matenapolis changed her first name after leaving home at the age of 17 to make her debut in Hollywood as a dancer. She fell into journalism by accident when her first husband, newspaper mogul Victor Matenapolis, discovered her scathing review of a play she had auditioned for scribbled on the back of a grocery list and put her to work. 5 years into their marriage, Victor was tragically killed in a freak accident while cleaning the tank of their beloved python, Stella. Her finger relentlessly on the pulse of what's hot in popular culture, Ms. Matenapolis spends the majority of her time hunched in the corner of any drinking establishment that offers "signature cocktails", feverishly hunting down stories from the darker recesses of the internet.
8 POSTS

Zuckerberg to Teach Nevada County How To Use the Internet

In an attempt to cut down on the ridiculously high amount of traffic coming out of Nevada County, Facebook mogul Mark Zuckerberg has pulled together a task force to, in his words, “show those idiots how to use the internet.”

Commentary: Who Do I Have to Blow to Get A Meal Delivered in this Town?

I would happily pay a delivery charge-hell, I’d even tolerate a long wait time if it meant I didn’t have to put on pants, set down my Manhattan, drag my ass downtown, put out my cigarette, and talk to people. I shouldn’t have to talk to people to eat.

Plastic Bag Ban Threatens Garbage Patch Vortex, Organizer Says

Angela Hansen organized the grassroots effort to save the Pacific Garbage Vortex Patch when she realized that the new ban would force local residents to bring their own paper or canvas bags while shopping.
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Popular

Adobe to Retire Impact Meme Font

After months of deliberation following an extensive study from the Rundex Family Foundation, in a stunning announcement, Adobe Systems has decided to remove the Impact Font from all of its product offerings.

Middle Manager to Find Out Who’s Snoring on Conference Calls

Area middle manager Pajas Balasubramanian has been tasked with the thankless job of finding out who keeps snoring on company conference calls. Mr. Balasubramanian, a naturalized American citizen from New Delhi, India, is currently the Managers of Education Experience for local firm Video Axcell.

Rand Paul Under Fire For Accepting Stimulus Money

The usually anti-government Senator from Kentucky says there's nothing wrong with taking federal stimulus money.

Canada Considers Replacing Maple Leaf with Gravy Ladle

A group of Canadian nationalists are petitioning the government in Ottawa to replace the maple leaf on the Canadian flag with something more representative of the Great White North.

Office Worker Unsure Why Cheeto Goes Uneaten

Area technology worker and parental advice expert Brent Underwood doesn't understand why no one will eat the last Cheetos® in the break room. The lone puffy snack treat, which has sat in a paper tray for over 3 hours, has not been fondled nor eaten leading Mr. Underwood confused about what's wrong with it.