July, 2022

Roy Riffle

Our youngest columnist, Roy Riffle gained fortune, though not necessarily fame, when at 9 years old he coined the phrase "Obey Your Thirst". Some of his smugness stems from "having read the bible and understanding the metaphors." Roy is currently the only Millennial on Gish Gallop payroll. And hopefully the last.
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Melania Stuns Wisconsin Bar With Karaoke Performance of Madonna’s ‘Material Girl’

The First Lady of the United States entertained a Wisconsin bar for over 20 minutes with various karaoke favorites.

Roy Moore’s Appearance as Santa at Alabama Mall Raises Concerns

Christmas shoppers at Fairfield's Western Hills Mall were surprised today by the appearance of Senatorial Candidate Roy Moore dressed as Santa Claus. According to a Moore campaign spokesperson, the controversial Republican wanted to show how Malls across Alabama welcome him.

Evangelical Christian Thrift Store Fast-Tracked to Meet Jesus

A Northern Californa Christian thrift store is defying a recent state-wide order to close.

Petition To Rename Town “Nevada Fucking City” Approved

A petition to change Nevada City's name to "Nevada Fucking City" has garnered enough signatures from residents to put the question to voters in the next election.

Survivalist Accidentally Gets Trapped In His Doomsday Bunker

The trouble started this past weekend when Mr. Buxton returned from a Costco run with 4 cases of tomato sauce and 1400 rolls of toilet paper.
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Family Cited For Viking Funeral on Local Lake

A local Norwegian family from the Cascade Shores housing development is in hot water for attempting to cremate a deceased relative on Scotts Flat Lake earlier today. The Barstad family recently suffered the loss of the family's patriarch, Norman Barstad, who had lived with the family at their Spanish Lane home.

‘Butthurt’ Added to Oxford English Dictionary

Editors for the Oxford English Dictionary or OED announced today that the word 'butthurt' will be included in a 2017 supplemental version of the world-famous reference guide

Bill Gates Defends News Satire

Former founder and CEO of the Microsoft Corporation took a break from the work at his foundation today to defend news satire sites.

Leaked FEMA Document: Motel 6 To Be Used as Emergency Camps

According to the conservative site RightWingNewsNow! who obtained an exclusive leaked Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) document, the disaster preparation organization has been funneling millions of dollars over the past 40 years into the budget hospitality company Motel 6.

Hellraiser Holiday Starbucks Cup Sends Area Woman to Hell

31-year-old Dawn Qualls found herself in the torturous and fiery pits of Hell over the weekend after ordering a Starbucks limited edition Holiday Hellraiser Carmel Machiatto.