July, 2022

Roy Riffle

Our youngest columnist, Roy Riffle gained fortune, though not necessarily fame, when at 9 years old he coined the phrase "Obey Your Thirst". Some of his smugness stems from "having read the bible and understanding the metaphors." Roy is currently the only Millennial on Gish Gallop payroll. And hopefully the last.

Area Man To Lawfully Wed The Constitution

Area community activist, Tea Party member and formerly overly enthusiastic Glenn Beck supporter Brock Whalen announced on his website that he plans on lawfully wedding the United States Constitution.

Area Man Maintains Erection With Bee Stings

A Salem, Oregon man believes he can treat erectile dysfunction with bee stings.

Tesla Introduces Retro Line of Cars Featuring AM Radios

Tesla is making history again with its new like of retro electric cars.

Trump Rules California SMOG Checks Unconstitutional

Before boarding Air Force One today, President Trump called California's strict smog-check rules unconstitutional.

Melania Stuns Wisconsin Bar With Karaoke Performance of Madonna’s ‘Material Girl’

The First Lady of the United States entertained a Wisconsin bar for over 20 minutes with various karaoke favorites.


Area Researcher: The Mars Curiosity Rover’s Photos are Faked

Area researcher Skyy Wolford announced to a largely disinterested crowd in front of the North San Juan Sierra Super Stop that the Mars Curiosity Rover never landed on Mars, and has been roving the grass lands outside the Truckee, CA airport.

Garbage Collector Tired Of Finding Dead Bodies

James Fettorcini is a trash collector in the Bronx, NY. He holds the official Department of Waste record for most dead bodies found.

Milwaukee Police Officer Shoots; Hits Unarmed Black Teen from Way Downtown

For 13 seasons with the Milwaukee Police Department, Officer Klexter has personified hustle, consistency and excellence in all areas of police work - as a team player, a defender, and perhaps above all else, a clutch performer.

Invisible Chemtrails Next Terrifying Weapon in Geoengineering

In what anti-chemtrail activists are calling a disturbing and terrifying development, sky observers from the Redding, CA-based Chemtrail Action Network or CAN say they have evidence that the government and its corporate sponsors have created nearly invisible chemtrails.

Lindsey Graham to Defend Trump in ‘Honor Duel’ With Marianne Williamson

When Ms. Williamson found out about the duel, rather than criticizing or dismissing it, she embraced it in her unique way.