January, 2022

Mike Tesh

Michael Tesh has been through pretty much everything, and his sole aspiration is to get you through it all more quickly and with less pain.

Ozzy Osbourne Only Slightly Killed by a Crazy Train Wreck

British rocker Ozzy Osbourne was run over by a train yesterday afternoon in Birmingham. The train was reported to have been acting a little crazy, as eyewitnesses reported that it seemed to be steering directly toward a distracted Osbourne.

Fix-it Ticket Leads to Jail Time for Area Man

Mr. Brandt was pulled over and ticketed near the bottom of the Alta St. hill by a Grass Valley police officer for not having proper registration tags on his vehicle.

Fox News Lawyers Rape Dolphin in Arizona Court

A favorite mascot for childhood morality was gang-raped by a team of Fox News lawyers on Thursday, setting off what insiders are calling "a wave of sadness."

Area Drivers Suddenly Respectful to Bicyclists on Roadways

Area drivers have suddenly and unexpectedly been extremely respectful of bicyclists sharing the roads recently. Many believe this may be because of a new law that requires drivers to steer clear, by at least three feet, around bicyclists riding on the road. Gish Gallop may have discovered another reason for the respectful trend.

Blackwater To Provide Security For Local Electronics Company

An area high-tech business has hired the security firm Blackwater to protect its assets and inventory that can no longer fit within the secure perimeters of the company's property.


Pope Francis Blesses Grade A Indica

In a surprise revision to the recent Papal encyclical, Pope Francis has decided to bless Indica strains of Marijuana.

Damnation Army Seeks Important Satanist Thrift Shopping Demographic

According to a prospectus provided by the Church, their Citrus Heights flagship store has grown by over 400%.

Subaru Announces 2023 Limited Edition Bernie Sanders Outback

Japanese automaker Subaru announced earlier this week that it plans on releasing a limited run of what is tentatively called the Bernie Sanders Outback LE or Limited Edition.

State of Jefferson Website Honored with Layout of the Year Award

The Jurisdiction of the Jefferson State Militia website was nominated last year for its innovative design and faced stiff competition.

Inflation Concerns Drive Motel 6 to Rename to Motel 7

The 56-year-old budget hospitality and lodging chain Motel 6 announced this week that it is going to rename itself given extraordinary inflation and economic pressures.