July, 2022

Fulton Starkweather

Get fucked everyone. Stop being a tit, or I'll find out where you live and steal your washing off the line.

“Big Hands” Link to Males Masking Feelings of Inadequacy

A comprehensive cross-Atlantic study has revealed something Conservative man have known for years.

Rand Paul’s Indiana Jones School Shooting Solution: 5th Graders of the Lost Ark

US Senator Rand Paul, of Kentucky, has proposed radical new measures to prevent weekly school shootings across the nation.

Buffalo Shooter Claims He’s a Victim of an ANTIFA False Flag Clerical Error

"The whole thing was staged to make the Right look like people constantly angry at things that don't even exist."


Report: Trump Supporters Have Penises 2 Inches Smaller than Nationwide Average

A year-long study by the Palo Alto, CA-based Rundex Family Foundation has revealed that male Donald Trump supporters have, on average, a penis that is 2 inches shorter than non-Trump supporters.

Cattle Form Controversial ‘AntiFarm Action’ To Protest Area Ranchers

Cattle in Nebraska have formed a coalition against being bred and slaughtered for food. They call themselves Antifarm and are backed by PETA and funded by the George Soros Foundation, which has recently received a mysterious $18 billion cash infusion.

San Francisco Renames Schools After Uncontroversial Alameda, CA Woman

The San Francisco Unified School District announced plans to rename all its schools with a gender-neutral, non-controversial name.

Area Home Gardener Harvests $7.56 Tomato

Area home gardener Herman M. Dean has been working all summer in his garden and announced to friends and family that he harvested his first tomato. A tomato estimated to cost $7.56 to produce.

Historians: Nevada City, CA Actually an Old Star Trek Episode Set

Historians from Brigham Young and Southern Methodist Universities have discovered that the quaint former gold rush town of Nevada City, California is actually a set from a lost Star Trek episode. The researchers made the discovery while digging through the Paramount television archives in Burbank, CA.